Starting half way through a game

It's Boxing day (the day after Christmas for the non-commonwealth readers). You wander down half way through the morning in a post-sherry and too much food stupor. Your mum asks you to take over from her in a game of chess that she was playing against your nephew. She's off to make cold turkey sandwiches, and you realise that if you're going to keep up the calorie intake of a small African village, you need to take over the game to allow her to do so.

You sit at the table and look at the board.

You then have two very simple choices.

1. Ask how you got to the point that you have no pawns, no queen and only one rook
2. Just get on with the game, trying to make the best of a bad lot

 (In the spirit of openness, I'm terrible at chess and lose every time I play, as I can only see one move at a time and that usually involves taking a pawn. But I'm hoping you'll work with me on this analogy ignoring the chess side of things.)

If you go for 1, you're going to spend a lot of time going back over a game that's already almost over, for very little game. However you got here, you'll still end up playing the same game.

If you go for 2, you can instead spend the time focusing on the possible options for the next few plays. You realise that, even though your pieces are in a sad state of affairs, there's ways you can get yourself out of the mess, allowing yourself to checkmate your nephew, giving you permission to lord it over a 12 year old for the rest of the time you're in the house.

Both options could actually lead to the same outcome, and you'll understand something more about chess if you go for option 1. But who has time for that? You need to have a shower and sober up enough to take selfies of yourself upstairs in the new boxers you were given by your boyfriend.

Options 1 and 2 exemplify one of the (many) differences between counselling and coaching.

I often flippantly say to new clients "I don't care what happened to you in your childhood, you are who you are, and we go from there." Of course, I do care, and if there are unresolved issues they may well rear their heads at some point in the future. But the majority of coaching starts with a person as they are and moves forwards in time. Where do you want to be? How are you going to get there?

There are many counselling modalities, and many of them do look forwards, but many of them spend a lot of time in the past, uncovering the reasons behind the circumstances you find yourself in. Often this is because we act in unconscious ways in the present based on what happened in the past. Working out why we do something repeatedly helps us to spot the triggers and avoid it in the future. Example: you find that you manage to sabotage every relationship you're in. By looking at your relationship with your parent may help you to understand what the issues are and therefore manage to find relationships that can remain stable without you causing problems. That's a perfectly useful, very important process... for some people.

It's a bit like the chess grand master who needs to analyse every move in every game he plays to try and work out what he does, when, and why. It stops him from missing moves or making wrong moves in the future.

The thing is, most of us aren't chess grand masters and most of us don't make the same major repeated mistakes in our lives. Yes, we may mess up the odd relationship, yes we may make some bad choices. But how important is it really to uncover the reasons... or is it more important to deal with things and move forwards?

I will ALWAYS recommend people with mental health problems who cannot function properly to seek care from a mental health professional. If your behaviour or thought processes mean that you're in constant mental anguish, that you repeat the same negative patterns of behaviour or have thoughts that are out of step with reality, or have difficulty carrying out normal everyday tasks you should seek help from a psychologist, counsellor, psychotherapist or similar.

However, if you know that now and then you do something a bit silly, feel a bit stuck, need a bit of clarity in your life or need to focus on a future goal, then coaching could well help you. If you're the CEO of a business, you don't need to know why your lust for power is so great - you just need to double your turnover in the next 18 months. If you're trying to get back on the dating scene you don't need to analyse your last relationship - you just need to work out the best way of nabbing the right guy this time round.

Similarly, when you're setting your New Year's resolutions, you don't need to beat yourself up about why you're smoking too much or not exercising enough... you just need to come up with a concrete plan as to what to do next. On your own, it's possible to do this simply, just setting out the steps. What a coach can bring is a real commitment but focusing on how it will make you feel, or how it will change your life... from the place you are now.

Imagine for a moment that you woke up this morning in your body. Your past history was there, your memories implanted. But they were someone else. A different person controlling the avatar. What would you do if you were to forget the reasons why you acted in a particular way in the past and instead only looked forwards? Take stock of what's on the chess board, plan your moves and start playing with an eye on the prize.

Putting the mask back on for the holidays

Many people go home to their families over the holidays. For the lucky ones, they go back with their partner or loved ones, or at least are able to talk openly with their families about their lives.

For others, they return to their families and have to hide part or all of their lives. For some, this may be just the extreme kinks that they're into (how many of you discuss drinking piss with your granny at the table?) while others it goes as far as concealing the fact that you're gay, bisexual or trangendered.

This can be a very stressful time. There's three parallel issues going on.

Firstly, for some, there's veiled homophobia, transphobia or general heteronormative assumptions that go on around the table. I remember when I was 19 and Elton John was announced as singing at Princess Diana's funeral. My aunt made a comment about "Why would they let a homosexual sing?" 11 years later, she wasn't invited to my (gay) wedding*.

Next, there's the anxiety that people will ask questions that mean that you trip up on your own backstory. "So why do you always spend your summers in Gran Canaria/Fire Island?" "How did you get tickets to Kylie?" "You seem to spend a lot of time with this Steve. How did you meet when he's a lawyer and you're a student?"

Finally, and most fundamentally, there's an issue that we have to hide our true identity. This means that you're pretending to be something you're not. Your very existence seems something that you have to hide.

There's no easy way of getting around these issues. It's so easy to be flippant and say "If your family doesn't appreciate who you are, then fuck them and find a group of people who care." But for some reason, life doesn't work like that. They're still our families even if they're shit at knowing us.We crave their love and affection. Or maybe you need their support (financial or otherwise) and have to play the good normal child to keep them from disowning you.

So what do you do when you have to go home, listen to the shit that comes from people's mouths and put on that mask?

Ask yourself what outcome you'd truly like. Would you like your homophobic elder brother to suddenly start singing along to Gloria Gaynor with you on the dance floor? Or would you simply like him to think twice before making limp wrist gestures every time Sam Smith appears on the TV? Do you want to feel accepted, or simply seen for who you are? Or do you just want to get through the week with as little drama as possible?

Think carefully about where you make connections in life. If you've a large group of friends who accept you (whether or not they're 'like' you), then you're doing well. If you're relatively isolated, then you might need the support of your family more. How dangerous is rocking the boat.

Question whether what comes out of people's mouths is actually what they believe. There are many people who make homophobic/transphobic comments but don't truly believe them. They say them because they're the norm or because it's a cheap joke.

One of the things to try and let go of is the idea that homophobic jokes are aimed at you personally. I've been in rooms where I'm known as an out gay man, and yet someone has said something homophobic just because that's what they do. The first step in dealing with this is to recognise it wasn't aimed at me. Then, once I calm down from that feeling, I can make a practical and logical decision on whether to call the person out or not.

As weird as it may sound, everything anyone does comes from a place of positive intent. Let me explain. The transphobe who shouts abuse at a transexual person on screen is doing it because it helps them in some way. Maybe they're secretly battling their own feelings of confusion with gender or sexuality (which tend to get mixed up). Maybe they have felt the need to be 'part of the pack' at work, where everyone is a lad and everyone follows the same behaviour patterns, and this has leaked into home life. Maybe they're protecting their own position as alpha male in the family. Or they're attempting to demonstrate their adherence to their faith.

Whatever the positive reason behind the hate is, it helps to identify this reason. It means that once again you depersonalise the comment or behaviour, and instead try to empathise with the person. It will allow you to meet them on their terms.

This is particularly the case where you've come out to your family, but it's never mentioned. This feels like a snub. It feels like they're denying the conversation ever happened. Ask yourself: Is this true? Or maybe they're confused about what they're allowed to ask. Maybe they're respecting your privacy. Maybe they're conflicted as they love your but their particular religious text says something else. If people have been brainwashed into thinking a particular way, it's incredibly difficult to turn that belief around. Want proof, look at what's going on in politics around the world and you'll see many examples. Or the fact that people stay loyal to a particular football club despite not a single player or the coach staying more than a couple of years, and repeated relegation. Admitting you're wrong is hard.

If circumstances are right, and you're safe, try to gently open up the conversations or even educate your family. "I don't think that's entirely fair, dad..." "I went to G.A.Y last week and had a great time." "I know lots of people who are into that, they seem like a good bunch of people on the whole."

Find an ally. Maybe you've got a sibling or an aunt you can open up to. It helps enormously to have someone you can catch eyes with when your mum makes some stupid comment and do a quick eye roll.

If all else fails, make yourself a bullshit bingo card. Draw a 3x3 table on your phone and fill it in with the sort of crap you think your family are going to say. Then stash away two small and one large 'prize'. Two small bars of chocolate and a massive one. Or a couple of miniature bottles of spirits and a larger one.

When someone says one of the phrases, mark it off. After each column or row, give yourself a prize. You got through! Yay! After you've filled the card, enjoy the main prize. You deserve it after putting up with that amount of shit.


In summary:
Prepare in advance
Decide what you want
Inform or educate if safe and possible
Get your own back using bullshit bingo

Most importantly, once you're released from the hell that some of our families feel like, you want to feel good about yourself. Do the right thing at every point. If that's educating them, do it. If it's putting on a mask for a few days because it means you have a happier time, do it, but knowing that you're choosing to do it, not because you're being forced to. Maybe next year you'll have a difficult conversation. Or maybe you'll suddenly decide to go to Australia for the holidays.

Finally, try to build up a group of people around you who you can express your true identity with. Whether they're in person, through clubs, bars, meetups or just from hookup sites, or online, you need to find people you can tell your story to. Reach out. There's far more people like you out there than you'd believe... and almost off of them been through the same shit at some point. They'll understand - and help you take off the mask again.

@elmcoaching
@englishleatherm

*Yeah, I've been married. Let's leave that there for now. Maybe the subject of another blog another time.

Ask Why?

"Why?" is a dangerous word.

In most coach training programs, prospective coaches are advised to avoid asking clients "Why?" The reason is that most of us are hard wired to protect our beliefs. So if a client says, "I want to become a teacher," and the coach answers, "Why is that?" then the first thing the client thinks is that the coach believes that being a teacher is a bad thing.

Maybe this is because we only ask "Why?" when we disagree. At work, if you boss makes a decision you agree with, you don't bother asking "Why?" You assume that they have the same reasons for making the decision as you would. However, thinking about that, you don't actually know that, but as the outcome is the same as it would be for you, you don't ask. If the boss makes a decision you disagree with, and you have balls, you'll challenge with "Why?" - but even then you'll possibly couch it in a load of softeners. "I respect your decision, but are you able to help me understand the reasons behind why you've come to this conclusion?"

So here I am, having told you that "Why?" is dangerous, telling you to use it. But not on your boss. On you.

There's a famous technique in business called "The five whys?" It was developed by Toyota to get to find the root cause of a problem by asking repeated why questions.

Example:
My phone won't connect to the internet.
Why? Because the wifi is down.
Why? Because I haven't paid the bill.
Why? Because I don't have enough money.
Why? Because my job doesn't pay enough.
Why? Because I haven't been signing up to enough shifts.

By moving to the root cause of a problem, you don't just tackle the symptoms, you tackle the real issues. In the (trivial) case above, you're likely to know all of the answers before even starting. But sometimes finding the answer to the why takes much more digging.

What's this to do with personal development?

Think of a goal you have in life. Maybe it's something that you want to focus on as a New Year Resolution. Examples could include:

• I want to lose weight
• I want to get a better job
• I want to find a boyfriend
• I want to find a Master
• I want to stop spending money on cam sites
• I want to stop smoking

Have you actually asked yourself why you want to do this?

Catch yourself if you just thought "That's self-evident. Of course I want to lose weight, who doesn't?"

Ask yourself "Why?"

I want to lose weight.
Why? Because I know that I'm overweight.
Why? Because my BMI is slightly above what it should be.
Why? Because I really like my double shot vanilla full fat lattes and one each morning.
Why? Because they make me feel good!
Why? Because I restrict my diet for the rest of what I eat.
So the root cause is that your diet is boring. Now your challenge isn't a negative "I want to lose weight", it's a positive "I want to make my diet more interesting."

Sometimes you need to vary the questioning a bit to get at the actual problem.
I want to stop spending money on cam sites.
Why? Because I don't have the money to do other things that I enjoy.
So why am I spending the money in the first place? Because I really get off on seeing hot guys jerk off on command.
Why? Because I like having control over beautiful people.
Why? Because I don't have control over much in my life, let alone successful or beautiful people.
Why? Because my job sucks and I don't have any autonomy.
So maybe the answer is to focus on getting a better job... and that will either mean that you'll end up with more money to do the things that you really enjoy (including spending money on cam models) OR you'll realise you don't need to play with control as you have more control over your own life.

You may also have to branch:
I want to stop smoking.
Why? Because my boyfriend hates the smell (Branch 1) AND because it costs me too much (Branch 2).
Branch 1:
Why? Because when I walk in after having a cigarette he gets really upset.
Why? Because I'm showing that I care more about smoking than his feelings (etc)
Branch 2:
Why? Because I only have a certain amount of take-home pay each month, and this is taking up a larger and larger proportion.
Why is that a problem? Because we don't get to do other things because of my smoking.

Sometimes the chain will lead you to a root issue (I need to show my boyfriend I care about him), and sometimes it will lead you to a root reason for doing something (I would like to do other things that I can't afford to right now). Tackle the issues and focus on the positive reasons as drivers of the changes you want to make.

Unless you're working with a great coach (such as the one you can find at www.englishleathermaster.com/coaching 😋) it's very difficult to get anyone else to ask you these why questions. Your self-preservation circuitry kicks in and you push back against any suggestion that your goals aren't obviously spot on and worth working for. So you're going to have to do the work yourself.

You have to be very honest and open when you do this process. You'll find the biggest mental push back is when you have something that you've tried to persuade other people is a good thing. "I want to get back with my ex," when your friends have told you he's toxic. Why? Is it him you miss? Or do you want to prove to people that you didn't make a poor decision in the past? Or do you enjoy something about him that you could get from someone else? Or do you deep down believe no one else will have you?


So before you hit the first of January, make sure you ask yourself "Why?" you're setting yourself up to do the things resolve to do. You'll develop more meaningful, positive goals that you're much more likely to stick with by doing so.

@elmcoaching
www.englishleathermaster.com/coaching

Your personal development pipeline

What's the thing that's most annoying you about your life?

Is it your work?
Your relationships?
A health issue?
Or maybe you just generally not feel great but are not sure why?

Whatever it is that isn't working for you at the moment, have you considered why it is you're not doing anything about it? Or, maybe, why it is that what you're doing isn't working?

A theory developed by Peterson and Goldsmith explains why you may be having problems.
The idea behind the development pipeline is to consider all the steps needed to make a change. This pipeline was developed for changes in work, but is just as relevant to making change in life.

Think about a water pipe. A very wide pipe allows a lot of liquid to flow.

A thin pipe can slow down the flow and create a blockage.

The important thing to realise is that having one very wide area of pipe cannot compensate for a thin area; the thin area will have an effect on the whole system. So if one of the areas in your personal development pipeline is thinner than the others, that's the one you need to concentrate on before you work on anything else.

To illustrate how this works, I'm going to give examples of people who are trying to make a change in their health and people who are trying to start a new business. These are two of the areas I've helped people with through my coaching practise.

Insight

Health: People who have insight understand what's they need to do to improve. They realise that they
need to eat a healthier range of food, or exercise more, or cut down on cigarettes or alcohol. The clearer the understanding, the wider this part of the pipeline is.

Those without insight are those who feel the problems, but don't really know why. Maybe they feel lethargic or have an ongoing illness, but they really don't know what they should do about it. Maybe they recognise they're overweight, but they don't genuinely don't understand the best route to losing weight, or what it takes in practise.

Work: A person who is starting a business have insight if they have a clear idea of what it is they are developing. They understand the market they are working in, they are clear about their strategy and time line and they have well defined goals.

Someone without insight may have a very undefined goal: I want to make money, or I want a job I can travel with, or I want to work shorter hours. Maybe they haven't scoped the possibilities or done their market research.

Someone without insight can't move forwards as they don't know what they're moving forward with. They go round in circles trying to find the right answer. In the worst case scenario, they don't even know the questions to ask.

Motivation

Motivation can be either negative or positive, internal or external.

Negative external motivation is what is done to you; the stick. A person must stop smoking or they cannot have an operation they need. Someone is made redundant/laid off by their company and has to find an alternative source of income. Negative external motivation forces you to move, although it may be for the wrong reasons.

Positive external motivation is the carrot. Your boyfriend tells you he'll marry you if you lose weight, or you want to look great for the big fetish event when you're going to be walking around in a jock strap. A potential client asks you to write a bid for a project worth a lot of money.

Negative internal motivation is when you realise something bad is happening or will happen when you don't do something. You're starting to cough nastily every morning and hate it so want to give up smoking. Or you're really bored and need a big project to excite you.

Examples of positive internal motivation would be when you want to feel the success of breaking a personal record in running or making enough money to retire at 50.

However, even with these factors, there's an internal "cost and benefit" exchange that takes place. Is it really worth getting up 30 minutes earlier every day to go for a run? Can I be bothered to work long nights on a new business venture, when I actually want to spend time watching TV?

Low motivation can be a complicated thing to break down. It starts from being too fuzzy in the insight - you say you want to stop smoking, but actually you just want to stop coughing. You say you want your own business, but actually you want your boss to stop bothering you. Finding the root cause for lack of motivation will widen this pipe and leave you ready and willing to make change in your life.

Capabilities

I would love to be an air traffic controller. Think of the power! All those planes flying to your command! (Although I'd probably spend more time getting them to spell rude words in the air with contrails.) However, sadly, I would be terrible at the job. My mental arithmetic sucks and I'm far too easily distracted. These are the easy to spot skills that I don't have, and there may be things you know you don't have that you need to progress to your vision of the future.

What capabilities are needed for your goals? Maybe you want to lose weight, and you know the basics of healthy eating, but not the details. I met someone once who told me she was on a low-carb diet. She wasn't eating rice or pasta, but didn't notice that she was drizzling sugary sauce all over her chicken breasts. She didn't have the knowledge to pull the diet off.

Likewise, some people have big plans for opening businesses, but don't understand the backroom stuff - marketing, invoicing, insurance, payroll, regulations, tax...

Often, the skills and knowledge you need can be gained through learning or advice, and if the motivation is strong enough, people put the time into gaining what they don't have but need.

There are a number of other issues at play here. There's the Dunning-Kuger effect - the idea that everyone overestimates their own abilities. More than 50% of people think their driving is better than average. More than 50% of people think that they're better looking than average... The other form of this effect is that experts are better at self-assessment than novices. So someone who's a personal trainer is likely to be far better at analysing their performance in the gym than someone who's just walking in there for the first time.

Then there's people's personal blind spots regarding their own skills, underestimation of time required to do something and simply not knowing information - and not knowing that they don't know.

Of all the parts of the pipeline, capabilities are likely to be the area that are hardest to work through alone. After all, if you don't know you don't know something, how can you find it out? Even if someone did know, for example, that they didn't know how to use the equipment at a gym, they need someone else to help them find the best way (even if that someone is a book or YouTube).

Being very honest with yourself  is hard - we all have to support our own self image (after all, who else will do that for us?). Think about the options for external coaching, support and advice for increasing your skills and capabilities.

Real-world practice

In a previous job, I went to speak to various engineering firms about what they required from education. They said the problem wasn't the formal, academic knowledge, it was hands-on problem solving. They were inundated with candidates leaving university who could solve partial differential equations in three dimensions - but couldn't repair a bicycle if asked.

All your book knowledge is nothing if it doesn't come with real word experience. Sometimes, there is no way of gaining this without learning on the job. You can't learn how to use a set of dumbbells without picking one up. Other times, there are opportunities for low-stakes ways of gaining experience. Want to open a restaurant, but have worked all your life in an office? Why not go and work for a successful business first to see what actually happens?

The requirement for building real world practice is often overlooked, especially when planning your time line for change. It may take a number of weeks to build up an exercise routine that means you're burning more calories than you eat. You may need to put plans for expansion on hold while you work to understand the complexities of a new market.

Responsibility

Who is truly responsible for your change?

If you work in a business, you might see this step as accountability. If you don't do X, then your manager will do Y. You're accountable and will be taken to task to do it. But accountability and responsibility is bigger than just if something bad will happen if you don't do something. That's essentially external motivation.

Responsibility here is about whether it is truly your job to make a change.

Maybe you have recognised that you need to stop smoking, you're willing to put the time in, you understand the options and you're willing to try a number... but deep down inside you expect someone to 'make' you do it. This step is one of the reasons that hypnotherapy is so useful for smoking cessation - it gives you an external authority who has told you that you will make a change, allowing you to abdicate responsibility.

If you don't feel deep personal responsibility for change, then you will let external factors come into play. They come out when the boss asks "Why didn't you do X?" and you reel out "Y and Z happened, so it's not my fault." Deep down you know that Y and Z were always on the horizon and should have been planned for.

Working through the pipeline

It is hard to sit down with yourself, define a goal, and then analyse each step of this pipeline. We have our inherent biases, blind spots and lack of information which mean that we cannot see what we need to see to become fully aware of issues.

Many have friends who say they'll help, but friends exist to boost our egos. It's a very rare friend that says "That's not going to work as you really can't take responsibility," or "That goal is a bit cloudy, it doesn't sound like you know exactly what you want."

That's where coaching comes in. A coach does not give you advice or guidance, but is aware of all of the elements of the pipeline. They will work you through each of the steps and will help you to gain greater awareness of the current situation so you know where to focus your time, energy and attention. As a disinterested observer, the coach doesn't have the agenda that a family member or business partner has.

Whether you're trying to buy a home or improve your company's profits, increase your follower count on twitter or become a better lover, a coach will be able to help you achieve your goals.

Special offer for life and executive coaching

Readers of my blog can get an extra 5% off coaching by the end of 2019 - that's on top of the existing offer to save 20% by the end of the year! Quote "Blog discount" in your email to me from my website www.englishleathermaster.com/coaching

@elmcoaching
www.englishleathermaster.com

7 levels of consciousness: submissives' edition

Last week, I blogged about the seven levels of consciousness that Dominants can posess. It got a number of people thinking and quite a few commented on their level. Then the submissives started asking for their version. So here it is. The seven levels of consciousness for submissives.

It's worth noting that the levels are not directly connected to different types of submissive, but there are links. Those who want total dehumanisation (gimps etc) are likely to be victims... but they could actually exist on a far higher level and just be aware of their place in the scheme of life.

Please note: photos in this blog are not owned by me and are meant only to make the blog look good; they should not be taken as any sort of judgement on the people in the pictures.

Level 1: The victim submissive

Whilst many types of sub, even at the higher level, enjoy some element of pain, being bullied, humilated or whatever, to the victim submissive, this is their life. They're submissive only because they can't be bothered to do any thinking in order to find any sort of connection or meaning in life.

The victim is the type of guy who sits at home, now and then turning on the apps to see who has contacted them. But of course, they're unlikely to have even put pictures on the app, let alone any text, so no one does. They blame the world for their problems and won't do anything about it.

Level 2: The angry submissive

Angry submissives are a bit like those dogs you hear about who have been mistreated. They growl and snarl at the world. Like victims, they blame the world for their problems, but they're more likely to lash out. They know that having connection in their life would help them feel better about themselves and the life they live, but they find themselves feeling annoyed that they have to do all the work.

Angry submissives often have long lists of what they expect from a Dominant on their profiles, without actually giving much about why a Dominant would want to connect with them.

Being self-centred, angry submissives are likely to view any contact that takes more than a couple of days to turn from "Hi" to a meet as a waste of time. They therefore don't meet many people.

Angry submissives also believe that everyone can read their minds. They expect those they meet to be able to push the exact buttons they want to have pushed without expressing these beforehand. A single wrong step (such as using the wrong name for the submissive or by attempting a physical or sexual act that isn't what the submissive was looking for) will mean that the submissive lashes out and gives up on the connection.

Some on this level aren't as much angry as self-obsessed. They're the ones who 'Dominants' post pictures of them 'using their slaves' - and the slave is so busy preening at the camera that the Dominant doesn't really get any service at all. 

Don't confuse angry submissives with power bottoms or brats. These are roles that people play and can mean that a person is much higher up on the consciousness ladder. However, it is possibly true that people become brats as a way of expressing what they want as they haven't learnt the art of communicating with a Dominant which could put them in this category.

Level 3: The cooperative submissive

Cooperative submissives have started to think outside of themselves and realise that to move forward in life requires them to take responsibility for their own growth. These subs often have profiles on the various dating sites and apps that explain carefully what they are, and are not, into and will generally have pictures of some form.

Cooperative submissives are willing to compromise in order to get some form of connection, sometimes allowing themselves to be drawn into scenes and situations that go against their wishes, goals or values as long as their ultimate aim of meeting a particular person is fulfilled.

These submissives will work hard to make connections, often chasing a Dominant for an extendied period of time in order to get noticed. They also forgive when someone changes plans at the last moment.

Although this may feel like the submissive is working for mutual submissives will tend to be quite selfish. They are the same submissives who will finally make contact with a Dominant and then ask for the Dominant to "arrange for your friends to use me, too"... making the whole scene ultimately about them. 
benefit, ultimately these

Whist their profiles are about what they want, they generally don't consider why a Dominant would want them.

Cooperative submissives thrive on strict rules. They find complexity and ambiguity confusing. They look to the Dominant for constant guidance and expect punishment when they move out of line. Of course, the form of the punishment must fit the submissive's view of the world and cannot be different from what is expected or the submissive may feel slighted.

Level 4: The servant

The servant finds peace in serving others. They look to help others and solve people's problems. They want to help and are motivated by putting others first.

The servant submissive finds meaning in servitude and feel lost when they are not serving. Service can take a number of different forms, from sexual (eg making sure the Dominant feels amazing when being sucked or when fucking) through domestic (cooking and cleaning) to cash slavery (giving money to make the Dominant's life better). Each submissive will find his own niche and will find Dominants who respond well to it.

This place feels very comfortable for the servant submissive, and they feel justified in this position. It feels right to be giving constantly to a Man they adore.The problem here comes from the fact that the servant submissive is nothing without the Dominant. Think Dobby in Harry Potter once he's got his socks, or the servants in Beauty and the Beast... the servant sub is defined by serving.

Sometimes this means they can try too hard - deskilling the Dominant or making Him lazy. It can also lead to some silly situations. In the past, when I've been walking with a servant submissive, passing through a door can lead to a dance as the submissive tries too hard to get the door for me. It all ends up feeling forced when it would be just as easy for me to have opened the door. There's politeness and knowing your place, and there's making such a big point of it that you can't actually move forwards. Servant subs can also try too hard to anticipate a Dominant's needs, and feel slighted or pushed aside when the Dominant doesn't need them to do a particular task. Sometimes, it's just easier for a Dominant to cum using His own hand or to book their own travel. Or the servant submissive can be so keen to serve that he misses the fact that the Dominant actually enjoys activities such as cooking which the servant seems desperate to take over.

Worse still, when a servant submissive doesn't have a Dominant, they have nothing to give them purpose in life and feel lost and empty.

Like cooperative submissives, servant submissives love rules. The big difference here is that they feel personally responsible for any failings, even if they are not directly to blame. They can spend a lot of time beating themselves up about problems, which generally leads to a spiral of self-recrimination, which often then leads to worse service for the Dominant, so is ultimately counterproductive.

Level 5: The understanding submissive

Many peaceful submissives will find the same enjoyment in servitude as the servant submissive, but have understood that there is a complexity in any situation and act accordingly. They understand that every Dominant is different and that any sub-Dom relationship must be built on communication, compromise and mutual acceptance.

The understanding submissive recognises his own needs on a deeper level than the servant submissive. They understand what drives them - their core values.

Understanding submissives are accepting of differences. Although, like most people, they can find themselves being judgemental, they know that being so is wrong and they try to see beyond their own prejudices and find common ground, or at least agree to differ. They have a deep understanding of what makes their Dominant tick and will work to fulfill that need, if they can.

Underpinning this is an understanding of core values - those values that lie above our actions and make us choose between the grey areas of life. Take an example: a submissive is new to a sub/Dom relationship and has been left in the care of a second Dominant. The sub has not had a conversation about rules with his Master. The second Dominant asks him to serve sexually. Does he feel that loyalty to his Master, or respect to the second Dominant is more important, in the absence of rules?

Loyalty and respect are core values, along with honesty, compassion, efficiency, creativity and security. A submissive at this level will recognise his own, and have a good sense of what drives his Dominant too (as long as the Dominant is of a high enough level to understand theirs). They will then be able to act accordingly. For example, if the sub in the example above realised that the Dominant was driven more by respect to other Dominants than by loyalty to themselves, they would serve the second Dominant. But they would also be understanding of the punishment that could result should they have got the decision wrong.

Level 6: The connected submissive

Connected submissives have inner strength and wisdom. They are totally grounded and accepting of who they are and their place on this Earth and within relationships. They are fully aware of the differences between their own values and beliefs and others, and can reconcile these differences.

These submissives are not easily malliable as they are so clear on who they are. Weak Dominants find them problematic as they do not fit into the stereotype of a submissive. At times, they can be directive, when they feel that being so will benefit their Dominant's life. At their heart, they feel happiness in benefitting a Dominant and have the foresight to understand that a Dominant's immediate demands may not be the best result in the long run. They will find respectful ways to guide the Dominant to a better course of action.

In a previous blog, I wrote about Dobby (a Level 4) and Jeeves (as in Jeeves and Wooster). Jeeves is a Level 6 at least, if not a 7. He is completely at home with being the servant, and strives for his Master to get the best from the relationship. He guides his Master to the best outcomes. But he's still the one who brings the tea and does the ironing.

Likewise, a connected submissive is connected to the tasks they enjoy performing or the activities they enjoy doing with their Dominant. They help to bring the relationship to higher levels by encouraging and feel true joy in serving.

Level 7: The ultimate submissive

To those who haven't thought about this, the ultimate submissive is the gimp. A human being who has given his total existence to a Dominant man. They are kept in a closet and only let out when being used. But such a submissive is barely scraping a Level 1. They have a desire to turn off their consciousness, not to expand it. They are lazy and unreactive.

The ultimate submissive is one who knows his place on Earth and who isn't afraid to play that role fully, totally committing to it. They are passionate about what they do and will work to serve the Dominant in any way possible.

If a Dominant was an orchestral conductor, the ultimate submissive would be the soloist for a concerto. They are undert the control of the conductor, but they shine in their own right. They have worked to find their true place and integrate seamlessly with the rest of the orchestra when it is right to do so, but rise above when required.

The ultimate submissive's intention is wider than just their Dominant. They feel connection throughout the world and understand the power they have in their actions and the work they do. They will go to great lengths to improve themselves and the lives of those around them. They thrive under ownership but do not feel the need to be owned to be whole. They are very, very rare.

Follow me on Twitter @elmcoaching

7 levels of consciousness: Dominants' edition

What does it take to be a great Dominant?

Amazing clothes?
A fully equipped dungeon?
Ability to use toys?
A huge cock?

Maybe, but I contend that the greatest Dominant can be just that sitting eating a meal in a restaurant, having a conversation with the people around him.

So without further ado, here's my scale of the seven levels of consciousness for Dominants. Don't worry, submissives, I'll get to you in the next blog.

Level 1: The Victim Dominant

There are a load of these around on the internet. You can spot them a mile off. They complain constantly. "Why doesn't anyone submit?" "Why do people always fl
ake on me?"

When you meet them, they're boring. They have no spark. They think that the world owes them a favour. That is, if they ever get out. Most of the time they're sitting around their homes, assuming someone will come to them. They can't be bothered to move. They use excuses like "It's the slave's job to come to me" and "I expect the slave to do the work."

What's going on is they're revelling in losing. They define themselves as Dominants as they're too lazy to do anything else.

It's easy to ignore these as they're unlikely to do anything about meeting anyway.

Level 2: The Angry Dominant

A lot of straight cash masters fall into this category. They've bullies. They're often homophobic. Even the gay masters are angry about something. They define themselves as sadists, but actually they're just angry. Who knows why?

These Dominants attract the submissives with the lowest self esteem who are looking to be beaten and abused. They prey on submissives and leech off their time, energy and resources.

They may set tasks for submissives simply so the submissive can fail. This gives them a reason to punish and become angrier. They push submissives to depths that they don't want to go to.

Submissives should avoid these dominants at all costs. They're dangerous.

Level 3: The Responsible Dominant

Responsible Dominants understand that the kink-world survives on give and take. These Dominants will take the time to talk to their submissive, to discover their desires and their likes. They cooperate with submissives to design scenes that they both enjoy.

However, this is ultimately still about the Dominant. They feel power from the fact they are 'allowing' the submissive to have a good time. They might forgive the submissive if the submissive steps out of line, but the forgiveness is handed out as a gift. They forgive to make themselves look better.

The Responsible Dominant will see limits as sacred. They won't cross the line that the submissive has set.

Outside play, these Dominants will take notice of the submissive's life experiences and be genuinely interested in the non-kink/non-sexual side of s submissive's life.

Level 4: The Concerned Dominant

Concerned Dominants have read the manual that says that the submissive is actually in charge. Whether the concerned dominant is being sucked, fucking, whipping or administering electro shocks to the submissive, the dominant is actually thinking about the submissive's experience more than their own.

The Concerned Dominant desires recognition above all. They crave that text after a session that says "You were great!" They develop skills that they know will make the submissive feel good.

Like the Responsible Dominant, the Concerned Dominant will take time and effort to find what the submissive is into and will play according to the submissive's rules.

These Dominants sometimes go further in ownership of submissives, taking time and care to plan out a submissive's life, helping them to go places in life. This takes time and effort. The danger here is that the Dominant can become over-controlling, making decisions that look good from their point of view without fully understanding the situation, or the submissive can become too passive.

Level 5: The Accepting Dominant

These Dominants understand that everyone is different, and that everyone has their needs. Most importantly, they understand that everyone has a choice in life.

Whilst they will take the needs, desires and fantasies of the submissive on board, they won't see these as a list of must-do experiences or actions, they'll integrate these with their own set of needs. They will find ways of combining what both the Dominant and submissive want in order to have the best time.

Accepting Dominants are able to reconcile the different aspects of life that contradict each other. They can understand the intention behind behaviours. So, for example, they're more likely to be able to take a joke from a submissive as just that, understanding that the submissive simply wanted to see the Dominant laugh.

Accepting Dominants guide submissives to higher levels of their own lives - not by telling them what to do, but by discussing options and acting as a critical friend.

The Accepting Dominant prefers guidelines to rules. They understand that life gets in the way sometimes, and will work with the submissive if the submissive gets things wrong.

Level 6: The Wise Dominant

Wise Dominants have an air of peace about them. They understand the interconnectedness of people and how actions have impact far greater than that of single situations.

Wise Dominants can integrate the desires and needs of both the submissive and the Dominant in ways that benefit both. They enjoy exploring others' fantasies and will often try new experiences to discover more about other people.

Like Accepting Dominants, Wise Dominants set guidelines - but they see a much longer process than guides for the here and now. They see into the future and set in place structures that can exist to bring the relationship to higher levels.

Wise Dominants foresee the different paths that people are on and work with them to achieve their goals.

Counter intuitively, a Wise Dominant may see decollaring as a good thing. A Wise Dominant realises that everyone's path is different, and at times this means that a submissive will walk the same path as Him for a while - and then will change direction. They will take pride in seeing the growth in a submissive and in building strength in the submissive.

Level 7: The Non-Judgemental Dominant

The highest level of consciousness for a Dominant is one of total peace with the world.

The Non-Judgemental Dominant will realise that everyone is fundamentally fine. They accept that everyone's place in life is as it should be.

The Non-Judgemental Dominant may be confusing to the onlooker as they will act differently with different submissives - treating gimps as non-humans, puppies as fun playthings and slaves as property. They will not seek to give advice to anyone, but are willing to help create opportunities to allow others to fully explore their goals and vision for life.

They see kink play as an expression of humanity, and see beyond the immediate needs. In new scenes, they will be totally consumed by the experience, allowing themselves to be fully present. Their intentions will be to have experiences that take both the Dominant and submissive to higher levels of understanding of their body, mind and soul.


Not everyone will achieve Level 7. Many will fail to get past the lower levels. People will move between levels in different situations, with situations and particular connections sometimes moving a Dominant up or down a level. Even a Dominant who achieves Level 7 at some points in their life will regress to Anger when something goes wrong, or Concern if a submissive behaves in certain ways.

For Dominants, be honest with yourself. Which level are you on? What would get you to the next level? What holds you back? What forces you to regress?

For submissives, consider which type of Dominant you want. Do you want an Angry Dominant who will make you feel excited? Do you want a Dominant who gives you a great time? Are you ready for a Dominant who truly sees you as you are, accepts you and works with you?

I'd love to hear your comments and thoughts on this topic. Where are you? Do you recognise these levels in the Dominants you've met?

@elmcoaching
@englishleathermaster

Why coming out isn't all me, me, me

Today is Coming Out Day. Hurrah! Let's all wave our rainbow flags and dye our hair pink. Get on the phone to your granny and tell her that you're 'one of them' and proud. Then sashay away to the sound of Todrick Hall's latest hits.

There's a show in London's West End (Everybody's talking about Jamie) currently which is essentially this. Young boy puts on heels and tells the world what they already know. Cue drag queens, high kicks and lots of sequins. Fabulous.

The thing is, most gay men (or women) don't feel that this represents them. Nor, for that matter do the uber butch lesbians who seem to terrify people into acceptance. Or the muscled, 10 inch dicked gym bunnies who seem only come out at night and don't have any taxable sources of income.

Most of us are just your average guy, holding down a normal job, living our lives like everyone else. The fact that you're sleeping with someone who's got the same dangly bits between his legs doesn't really change much in your life. So why bother coming out? After all, in most western countries, being gay is accepted, and in many (sorry, America), LGBT people are protected by law. So there's no issue. What goes on in your bedroom stays in your bedroom. Why does anyone need to know?

Before I go on, I am completely aware, and feel very deeply for, those people who cannot come out. Whether because they live in an intolerant society, are involved in a religion that disagrees with gay people, or risk violence or abuse, some people simply cannot proclaim who they are. I am not talking to those people.

I'm talking to everyone else. And my message: coming out isn't about you.

There's theories in social psychology about something called unconcious bias. We all have this. It's built in.

Take an example: you see someone of a different race. You immediately, unconsciously make judgements about that person. This is often before your conscious brain has even caught up with the fact that they're there.  You think some races are stronger, or more powerful, or cleverer, or faster, or more social, or more family orientated, or ruder, or more sexist, or whatever.

Most self-aware people will notice that thought and they may chastise themselves for it. "Don't think that, you don't know..." But the fact is, for a split second, you had a bias against that person. Don't deny you do it- it's in built. It's a survival mechanism. When we see people different from us, we immediately feel wary and defensive. Then we don't get killed, or did when we lived in tribes scratching our way through the earth to live.

Similarly, when we know something about someone, even if we haven't met them, we feel a bias. That's why people with certain minority group names get treated differently when applying for jobs. "He's got a Chinese name. He'll be good at numbers." Or whatever. This isn't conjecture, it's fact, and backed up by many, many studies.

So what's this to do with coming out?

The thing is, studies have shown that there is only one way that seems to break down unconscious bias: exposure to countersterotypical examples.

Let me give you an example from my own life.

I travel for my job and work in many different countries. Some of the countries I work in have highly religious Muslim populations. Two of my colleagues work in Egypt. Until they met me, they had never met a gay man. All they knew was a) gay is bad, as that's what the Koran says and b) gays are like drag queens.

So I came out to them. Not by putting my high heels on and dancing on the top of a bus, but simply by slipping into conversation that I was married to a man. That's it. I then moved on.What they saw was a professional, competent, non camp man who just happened to be gay. One step down the road to helping them understand that gay is ok. One step down the road to them thinking twice about voting for a party that vilifies gay men. One step down the road to them standing up for the rights of people caught indulging in homosexual acts.

I've no doubt that I won't have changed their minds totally. And that's the point. Other studies have suggested that you need five exposures to change your view. So they're 20% of the way there. Four more people need to do the same. Hence coming out day.

So next time you see someone on TV mouthing off about gay men; the next time there's a protest about 'gay indoctrination' the next time you see someone supporting a politician who wants to rob gay men of their rights... ask yourself: if I'm a bit more open, who will think twice before supporting this?

Coming out is totally your choice. No one can, or should, force you to come out. Only do it when you feel safe, and if you're at all worried, make sure you have a plan in place for if it all goes wrong.

But maybe you can do it to support those who cannot, and help those around them change their minds. One conversation at at time, we can change the view of LGBT+ people around the world.

Dobby or Jeeves?

Are you more like Dobby or Jeeves when you serve?

Let me explain.

One of my subs told me that he had believed that slaves cannot think for themselves. They're mindless drones who do everything at the beck and call of a Master.

I'll admit, for about a week when I first starting getting into this world, I enjoyed choosing what slaves would wear or what they'd eat. Rapidly, though, I realised I didn't care. I was putting effort and time into thinking about something that had no relation to my life. If a slave isn't near me, why do I give a flying fuck about what colour t-shirt he's wearing?

Rules are ok, and can be useful for longer term goals. Restricted diets to improve health; certain types of clothing to remind the sub that he's owned; enforced chastity. But that's about training the mind, it's again not about making the sub useful.

How much, then can a sub think?

Let's examine for a moment two types of slave from not-quite-great literature. The house elf (Harry Potter) and Jeeves (Jeeves and Wooster).

Dobby and the other house elves are true slaves. They are bound to do all that their owners command. They cannot think outside the commands. They are given strict rules.They're true lowlives. In BDSM, they're more like gimps. They hang around doing very little. Maybe they're bound. Maybe they're told to sit in the corner. Maybe they're ignored.

I remember meeting a guy who I had fancied for ages, and spent an evening at his place. He asked to be caged. So I caged him. At which point I thought "What next?" I went and watched TV for an hour. He might have been getting something out of it, but I didn't really.

Likewise, recently a slave came round and I told him to sit at the end of my bed with a mask on. He had told me he liked to be ignored. So I ignored him for a while, but it was very much like having an elephant in the room. I couldn't really do the stuff I wanted to do as I was aware that there was human sitting there waiting for something to happen. Eventually I pissed all over him and fucked his mouth. Both of which I enjoyed.

Maybe I'm a selfish dom, but Dobbies really don't do a lot for me. It feels like I have to do all the thinking and they get bossed around and turned on by that.

On the other hand, we have Jeeves, the butler.

Anyone who's read the books or has seen the Fry and Laurie adaptation will know that in this case, Jeeves was the servant to the slightly useless Wooster. Often, it was Jeeves' quick thinking that got Wooster out of trouble. Jeeves was free to walk away, but stayed due to genuine affection and a desire to make his Master's life better.

I would prefer a proactive sub any day. I give orders, and set rules, but I want a sub who can think between the lines. "Bring a jock strap and harness." - the sub brings boots as well, realising they'll be useful. "Find a flight from a to b on day x." The sub checks alternative routes and dates for the best options, lays them out and asks me to make a final decision.

Every now and then, this means that the sub goes beyond his remit and does something I haven't asked him to do. But the rub is - I didn't tell him not to do it. So it's my fault. I explain how I'd like it to be done in the future and we move on. There's no need for punishment as I know the sub is already beating himself up about not interpreting my requirements correctly.

So to all those doms out there who tell subs they can't think: you're missing out on a much more useful sub.

For all those subs out there who don't feel right being told not to think: find a dom who appreciates what he can get out of you.

Dating? It's just sales.

Many people come to me talking about how they wish they had a boyfriend/Master/sub/daddy/puppy/owner/whatever. All too often I get messages outlining the poor excuses, lack of commitment or just plain ignoring that happens.

Recently a friend sent me a series of conversations with a couple of prospective dates, both of which included the dates refusing to stick to plans and then wandering off. He ended the message "maybe I'm too keen".

In one of my past lives, I worked in sales. I personally find the whole cold-calling thing excrutiating, so I didn't stick with it for long, but I did pick up a thing or two along the way. I thought about what he said and I wondered what would happen if we started treating dating as a sales process.

Anyone involved in sales will be well aware of the sales funnel. It is a diagramatic representation of how many people there are in the market for whatever it is you're selling, down to how many people actually buy the product or service.

Google sales funnels and you'll get loads like this one:

The point here is that there is a very large group of people who could potentially use your service, but you need to first make them aware, then bring them on board, then get them to commit to buying your product or service.

The funnel is shaped like this as the number of people decreases with each stage: not everyone will become aware of your product or service, no matter how much marketing you do. Not everyone who meets you and tries it will actually buy it.

What's important though is that you can't ever get a sale if a customer hasn't progressed through the steps. No one can buy something they don't know exists, or if they haven't shown interest in the first place. This means you have to work on two things: working to move every customer that enters a particular stage into the next stage down (so a potential customer expresses an interest, you get on the phone and arrange a demonstration, or a potential customer who tries your product you try to push for a sale)... but you also have to keep as many potential customers moving into the first few stages to make up for those who drop out.

If you put all your eggs in one basket, and just push one customer down, the chances are they're likely to drop out at some point.

So what does this tell us about gay dating?

It's possible to re-write the funnel in terms of gay dating.

Obviously, in some cases "love" means "on call fuck buddy" or "becomes my Master" or whatever.  There may be more dates involved between first contact and deciding to go to B&Q (for scatter cushions or duct tape depending on what you're into). 

One of the problems with dating is that you see yourself as the centre of the world. You know you're amazing and lovable and great in bed and humorous... so why won't anyone date you? Does this mean there's something wrong with you?

It helps to turn things around to see it from other people's point of view at each stage.

I am sure I'm not alone in now and then opening dating apps just to see who's around. This means that I often get messages when I have no intention to meet people. I ignore them as it feels like so much effort to reply "sorry, not today". Does this make me a bastard? Nope. It makes me human. In the same way that I don't reply "No thank you" to every ad that appears on TV, and I don't bother clicking that "I don't like this ad" button every time I see an ad I'm uninterested in on the web. 

Even those who message, we've all started a conversation with two or three and realised that something isn't right. They're top/bottom/vers and you want the other one. They're into whipping and you want someone into gunge. Their cock is too small or too big or cut or uncut. They're hairy or smooth... there's so many combinations of things we want. They want the same. 

Even if you're on paper compatible, then there's location and finding a time to meet. This often seems like the biggest hurdle. People are busy. There are lots of options. When I used to live in the country, people would travel for miles to meet. Once you're in a big city, a few hundred meters away is too far. It all seems like so much effort.

So the rings get smaller. 

The thing is, all the way through putting other people off and not agreeing to meet other people, you're getting upset that people are doing it to you. 

So you have two ways to go: get upset about it and stay stuck, or realise that you're in a sales game and you need to do something to push people down the funnel. 

So firstly, don't feel bad about pursuing people. The worst that can happen is that they block you. The best that can happen is that they realise you really are interested and give it a go. 

Secondly, until you're on date three or four and really like someone - don't stop looking for more to push down the funnel. You're not being disloyal by keeping your options open. 

Finally, think about yourself in the same way that salespeople think about their products. What's in it for the customer? What's the unique selling point?

Whatever you do, be true to yourself. I had a good friend who was fat and in his late 40s. He had a thing for 20-somethings. He tried to be someone else on the apps, taking pictures that hid his belly and reduced his age. He attracted people looking for slim 30-somethings, and wasn't attracting those who were actually into him. He wondered why people didn't go on second dates - he was false advertising.

So, in summary: make sure as wide a circle of people get to see you as possible, advertise what's truly on offer, keep trying and keep pushing people down through the stages. Don't get upset when people drop off, see things from their eyes and have fun along the way.

You'll find what you're looking for eventually. Don't give up.

@englishleatherm
@elmcoaching

Domming for cash

@Englishleatherm on Twitter

If you look at Twitter, you'd believe that every dominant was on the scene only for the cash side of things. Whether a cash master, a webcam pay-per-minute performer, a porn star, a phone sex chat host, or someone selling vids on any of a number of sites, the whole of the twittersphere seems to have been taken over by money-focused sex.

I must claim an interest here. I have been involved in findom and other money-related sex matters for years. I  have use cash slaves online and in person, and continue to do a bit of it during the other online stuff I do. I also (as you probably know if you're reading this) sell vids via Onlyfans and take calls on Niteflirt.

But what I think about the whole sex-for-money world is more nuanced than possibly comes across.

Most importantly, I dom in real life and I don't charge for it. I enjoy control, I'm a sadist and I enjoy being worshipped. I get physical pleasure out of real life meets and the money side doesn't come into it. Yes, nowadays, I'm often looking for subs who are willing to be filmed, but that's a side issue.

The problem with online interactions is that all too often, the dom gets nothing from the scene. I can tell you to stick a dildo up your arse, but it doesn't actually do anything for me to see you sitting on something that you'd sit on anyway even if I didn't tell you to. There are a limited number of scenes that involve real pain that I can enjoy, but it's all too easy for a sub to play at hurting themselves, and I do real control, not acting.

So my first attraction to cash slavery was always the fact that it's a physical way of the sub benefiting the dom's life - and to some extent suffering. It should only be when the dominant does not need the money - otherwise the reason for doing it is through desperation, not control - and preferably it should also involve the sub giving up something instead. This doesn't have to be big, but foregoing a latte in the morning reminds the sub of who he is. I've often taken my first tribute in terms of number of hours of take home pay. This means that the sub is literally working for me on a Monday morning for x hours.

Sadly, the findom scene has become overriden with two overlapping but equally destructive elements: homophobes and people who are greedy or needy or both.

Of course, I've called people "faggot" and "dirty queer" in scene. I've told people that they only exist to lick my boots. But these are under controlled conditions and with consent on both parts. When I see "Masters" making 18 year olds come out to their parents by videoing themselves jumping up and down on a huge dildo,  or putting pictures of 20 year olds on the web with full name and address, it proves the lack of any control on the part of these so called dominants. They have no idea of the danger they could be putting these vulnerable people in. Any underlying mental health issues are potentially made worse. That's not domming. That's bullying and abuse. The people who get involved in these activities are homophobic at best and bordering psychotic in some cases. They are a scourge on the community and prey on the least able to defend themselves.

Worse, you find time and again that one of these homophobic straight guys starts to bring in their friends. The word gets out that queers like being bullied. That may be fine if you're a 40 something successful guy who likes to get off when a 20 year old muscle chav flicks his finger at you. You can go back to your job the next morning having had a good wank and an exciting moment where you had a bit of controlled homophobia that got your endorphins running.

But what you also did was tell that guy that it's ok to do that. So next time he and his friends see a gay couple in a street they're just that little bit more likely to act physically.


Bottom line: don't feed the true homophobes just because you get a kick out of it.

For the greedy or needy - that's up to you. I personally find it laughable when someone says they're a dom but they can't hold down a good job. Maybe your $10 tribute will help them pay their mobile phone bill and they'll manage to use it to apply for a new position and get out of a fix. Maybe you'll instill a need to use others to make ends meet (which is likely to fall apart once they lose their looks), but that's your choice. However, my personal view is it's not domming. It's another form of cam or phone work. "You say nasty things, I pay you" is the same as "You pull your dick out, I'll pay you."

Which leads me finally to the monetization of BDSM. Sex workers have existed for millenia, and I'm pretty sure you'd find back in the middle ages that there were workers dressing up in hang men's clothing and choking their clients for pay to give them a good orgasm. The ways of paying for what you want may have expanded, but they're not the only way.

If you want to talk to me, or see my pics, I may charge. As may many others. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad person; I've just made a decision to give my time a monetary value. I have also recognised that I'm motivated to make more content that people enjoy if I am getting something back from it.

However, there are thousands of people out there who produce free content and are more than willing to play without pay.

So be aware of what you want, go and find it. If you like paying, do so, if you don't, don't. But please, please, don't feed the homophobes.

@englishleatherm
@elmcoaching