Dating? It's just sales.

Many people come to me talking about how they wish they had a boyfriend/Master/sub/daddy/puppy/owner/whatever. All too often I get messages outlining the poor excuses, lack of commitment or just plain ignoring that happens.

Recently a friend sent me a series of conversations with a couple of prospective dates, both of which included the dates refusing to stick to plans and then wandering off. He ended the message "maybe I'm too keen".

In one of my past lives, I worked in sales. I personally find the whole cold-calling thing excrutiating, so I didn't stick with it for long, but I did pick up a thing or two along the way. I thought about what he said and I wondered what would happen if we started treating dating as a sales process.

Anyone involved in sales will be well aware of the sales funnel. It is a diagramatic representation of how many people there are in the market for whatever it is you're selling, down to how many people actually buy the product or service.

Google sales funnels and you'll get loads like this one:

The point here is that there is a very large group of people who could potentially use your service, but you need to first make them aware, then bring them on board, then get them to commit to buying your product or service.

The funnel is shaped like this as the number of people decreases with each stage: not everyone will become aware of your product or service, no matter how much marketing you do. Not everyone who meets you and tries it will actually buy it.

What's important though is that you can't ever get a sale if a customer hasn't progressed through the steps. No one can buy something they don't know exists, or if they haven't shown interest in the first place. This means you have to work on two things: working to move every customer that enters a particular stage into the next stage down (so a potential customer expresses an interest, you get on the phone and arrange a demonstration, or a potential customer who tries your product you try to push for a sale)... but you also have to keep as many potential customers moving into the first few stages to make up for those who drop out.

If you put all your eggs in one basket, and just push one customer down, the chances are they're likely to drop out at some point.

So what does this tell us about gay dating?

It's possible to re-write the funnel in terms of gay dating.

Obviously, in some cases "love" means "on call fuck buddy" or "becomes my Master" or whatever.  There may be more dates involved between first contact and deciding to go to B&Q (for scatter cushions or duct tape depending on what you're into). 

One of the problems with dating is that you see yourself as the centre of the world. You know you're amazing and lovable and great in bed and humorous... so why won't anyone date you? Does this mean there's something wrong with you?

It helps to turn things around to see it from other people's point of view at each stage.

I am sure I'm not alone in now and then opening dating apps just to see who's around. This means that I often get messages when I have no intention to meet people. I ignore them as it feels like so much effort to reply "sorry, not today". Does this make me a bastard? Nope. It makes me human. In the same way that I don't reply "No thank you" to every ad that appears on TV, and I don't bother clicking that "I don't like this ad" button every time I see an ad I'm uninterested in on the web. 

Even those who message, we've all started a conversation with two or three and realised that something isn't right. They're top/bottom/vers and you want the other one. They're into whipping and you want someone into gunge. Their cock is too small or too big or cut or uncut. They're hairy or smooth... there's so many combinations of things we want. They want the same. 

Even if you're on paper compatible, then there's location and finding a time to meet. This often seems like the biggest hurdle. People are busy. There are lots of options. When I used to live in the country, people would travel for miles to meet. Once you're in a big city, a few hundred meters away is too far. It all seems like so much effort.

So the rings get smaller. 

The thing is, all the way through putting other people off and not agreeing to meet other people, you're getting upset that people are doing it to you. 

So you have two ways to go: get upset about it and stay stuck, or realise that you're in a sales game and you need to do something to push people down the funnel. 

So firstly, don't feel bad about pursuing people. The worst that can happen is that they block you. The best that can happen is that they realise you really are interested and give it a go. 

Secondly, until you're on date three or four and really like someone - don't stop looking for more to push down the funnel. You're not being disloyal by keeping your options open. 

Finally, think about yourself in the same way that salespeople think about their products. What's in it for the customer? What's the unique selling point?

Whatever you do, be true to yourself. I had a good friend who was fat and in his late 40s. He had a thing for 20-somethings. He tried to be someone else on the apps, taking pictures that hid his belly and reduced his age. He attracted people looking for slim 30-somethings, and wasn't attracting those who were actually into him. He wondered why people didn't go on second dates - he was false advertising.

So, in summary: make sure as wide a circle of people get to see you as possible, advertise what's truly on offer, keep trying and keep pushing people down through the stages. Don't get upset when people drop off, see things from their eyes and have fun along the way.

You'll find what you're looking for eventually. Don't give up.

@englishleatherm
@elmcoaching