Ask Why?

"Why?" is a dangerous word.

In most coach training programs, prospective coaches are advised to avoid asking clients "Why?" The reason is that most of us are hard wired to protect our beliefs. So if a client says, "I want to become a teacher," and the coach answers, "Why is that?" then the first thing the client thinks is that the coach believes that being a teacher is a bad thing.

Maybe this is because we only ask "Why?" when we disagree. At work, if you boss makes a decision you agree with, you don't bother asking "Why?" You assume that they have the same reasons for making the decision as you would. However, thinking about that, you don't actually know that, but as the outcome is the same as it would be for you, you don't ask. If the boss makes a decision you disagree with, and you have balls, you'll challenge with "Why?" - but even then you'll possibly couch it in a load of softeners. "I respect your decision, but are you able to help me understand the reasons behind why you've come to this conclusion?"

So here I am, having told you that "Why?" is dangerous, telling you to use it. But not on your boss. On you.

There's a famous technique in business called "The five whys?" It was developed by Toyota to get to find the root cause of a problem by asking repeated why questions.

Example:
My phone won't connect to the internet.
Why? Because the wifi is down.
Why? Because I haven't paid the bill.
Why? Because I don't have enough money.
Why? Because my job doesn't pay enough.
Why? Because I haven't been signing up to enough shifts.

By moving to the root cause of a problem, you don't just tackle the symptoms, you tackle the real issues. In the (trivial) case above, you're likely to know all of the answers before even starting. But sometimes finding the answer to the why takes much more digging.

What's this to do with personal development?

Think of a goal you have in life. Maybe it's something that you want to focus on as a New Year Resolution. Examples could include:

• I want to lose weight
• I want to get a better job
• I want to find a boyfriend
• I want to find a Master
• I want to stop spending money on cam sites
• I want to stop smoking

Have you actually asked yourself why you want to do this?

Catch yourself if you just thought "That's self-evident. Of course I want to lose weight, who doesn't?"

Ask yourself "Why?"

I want to lose weight.
Why? Because I know that I'm overweight.
Why? Because my BMI is slightly above what it should be.
Why? Because I really like my double shot vanilla full fat lattes and one each morning.
Why? Because they make me feel good!
Why? Because I restrict my diet for the rest of what I eat.
So the root cause is that your diet is boring. Now your challenge isn't a negative "I want to lose weight", it's a positive "I want to make my diet more interesting."

Sometimes you need to vary the questioning a bit to get at the actual problem.
I want to stop spending money on cam sites.
Why? Because I don't have the money to do other things that I enjoy.
So why am I spending the money in the first place? Because I really get off on seeing hot guys jerk off on command.
Why? Because I like having control over beautiful people.
Why? Because I don't have control over much in my life, let alone successful or beautiful people.
Why? Because my job sucks and I don't have any autonomy.
So maybe the answer is to focus on getting a better job... and that will either mean that you'll end up with more money to do the things that you really enjoy (including spending money on cam models) OR you'll realise you don't need to play with control as you have more control over your own life.

You may also have to branch:
I want to stop smoking.
Why? Because my boyfriend hates the smell (Branch 1) AND because it costs me too much (Branch 2).
Branch 1:
Why? Because when I walk in after having a cigarette he gets really upset.
Why? Because I'm showing that I care more about smoking than his feelings (etc)
Branch 2:
Why? Because I only have a certain amount of take-home pay each month, and this is taking up a larger and larger proportion.
Why is that a problem? Because we don't get to do other things because of my smoking.

Sometimes the chain will lead you to a root issue (I need to show my boyfriend I care about him), and sometimes it will lead you to a root reason for doing something (I would like to do other things that I can't afford to right now). Tackle the issues and focus on the positive reasons as drivers of the changes you want to make.

Unless you're working with a great coach (such as the one you can find at www.englishleathermaster.com/coaching 😋) it's very difficult to get anyone else to ask you these why questions. Your self-preservation circuitry kicks in and you push back against any suggestion that your goals aren't obviously spot on and worth working for. So you're going to have to do the work yourself.

You have to be very honest and open when you do this process. You'll find the biggest mental push back is when you have something that you've tried to persuade other people is a good thing. "I want to get back with my ex," when your friends have told you he's toxic. Why? Is it him you miss? Or do you want to prove to people that you didn't make a poor decision in the past? Or do you enjoy something about him that you could get from someone else? Or do you deep down believe no one else will have you?


So before you hit the first of January, make sure you ask yourself "Why?" you're setting yourself up to do the things resolve to do. You'll develop more meaningful, positive goals that you're much more likely to stick with by doing so.

@elmcoaching
www.englishleathermaster.com/coaching