Putting the mask back on for the holidays

Many people go home to their families over the holidays. For the lucky ones, they go back with their partner or loved ones, or at least are able to talk openly with their families about their lives.

For others, they return to their families and have to hide part or all of their lives. For some, this may be just the extreme kinks that they're into (how many of you discuss drinking piss with your granny at the table?) while others it goes as far as concealing the fact that you're gay, bisexual or trangendered.

This can be a very stressful time. There's three parallel issues going on.

Firstly, for some, there's veiled homophobia, transphobia or general heteronormative assumptions that go on around the table. I remember when I was 19 and Elton John was announced as singing at Princess Diana's funeral. My aunt made a comment about "Why would they let a homosexual sing?" 11 years later, she wasn't invited to my (gay) wedding*.

Next, there's the anxiety that people will ask questions that mean that you trip up on your own backstory. "So why do you always spend your summers in Gran Canaria/Fire Island?" "How did you get tickets to Kylie?" "You seem to spend a lot of time with this Steve. How did you meet when he's a lawyer and you're a student?"

Finally, and most fundamentally, there's an issue that we have to hide our true identity. This means that you're pretending to be something you're not. Your very existence seems something that you have to hide.

There's no easy way of getting around these issues. It's so easy to be flippant and say "If your family doesn't appreciate who you are, then fuck them and find a group of people who care." But for some reason, life doesn't work like that. They're still our families even if they're shit at knowing us.We crave their love and affection. Or maybe you need their support (financial or otherwise) and have to play the good normal child to keep them from disowning you.

So what do you do when you have to go home, listen to the shit that comes from people's mouths and put on that mask?

Ask yourself what outcome you'd truly like. Would you like your homophobic elder brother to suddenly start singing along to Gloria Gaynor with you on the dance floor? Or would you simply like him to think twice before making limp wrist gestures every time Sam Smith appears on the TV? Do you want to feel accepted, or simply seen for who you are? Or do you just want to get through the week with as little drama as possible?

Think carefully about where you make connections in life. If you've a large group of friends who accept you (whether or not they're 'like' you), then you're doing well. If you're relatively isolated, then you might need the support of your family more. How dangerous is rocking the boat.

Question whether what comes out of people's mouths is actually what they believe. There are many people who make homophobic/transphobic comments but don't truly believe them. They say them because they're the norm or because it's a cheap joke.

One of the things to try and let go of is the idea that homophobic jokes are aimed at you personally. I've been in rooms where I'm known as an out gay man, and yet someone has said something homophobic just because that's what they do. The first step in dealing with this is to recognise it wasn't aimed at me. Then, once I calm down from that feeling, I can make a practical and logical decision on whether to call the person out or not.

As weird as it may sound, everything anyone does comes from a place of positive intent. Let me explain. The transphobe who shouts abuse at a transexual person on screen is doing it because it helps them in some way. Maybe they're secretly battling their own feelings of confusion with gender or sexuality (which tend to get mixed up). Maybe they have felt the need to be 'part of the pack' at work, where everyone is a lad and everyone follows the same behaviour patterns, and this has leaked into home life. Maybe they're protecting their own position as alpha male in the family. Or they're attempting to demonstrate their adherence to their faith.

Whatever the positive reason behind the hate is, it helps to identify this reason. It means that once again you depersonalise the comment or behaviour, and instead try to empathise with the person. It will allow you to meet them on their terms.

This is particularly the case where you've come out to your family, but it's never mentioned. This feels like a snub. It feels like they're denying the conversation ever happened. Ask yourself: Is this true? Or maybe they're confused about what they're allowed to ask. Maybe they're respecting your privacy. Maybe they're conflicted as they love your but their particular religious text says something else. If people have been brainwashed into thinking a particular way, it's incredibly difficult to turn that belief around. Want proof, look at what's going on in politics around the world and you'll see many examples. Or the fact that people stay loyal to a particular football club despite not a single player or the coach staying more than a couple of years, and repeated relegation. Admitting you're wrong is hard.

If circumstances are right, and you're safe, try to gently open up the conversations or even educate your family. "I don't think that's entirely fair, dad..." "I went to G.A.Y last week and had a great time." "I know lots of people who are into that, they seem like a good bunch of people on the whole."

Find an ally. Maybe you've got a sibling or an aunt you can open up to. It helps enormously to have someone you can catch eyes with when your mum makes some stupid comment and do a quick eye roll.

If all else fails, make yourself a bullshit bingo card. Draw a 3x3 table on your phone and fill it in with the sort of crap you think your family are going to say. Then stash away two small and one large 'prize'. Two small bars of chocolate and a massive one. Or a couple of miniature bottles of spirits and a larger one.

When someone says one of the phrases, mark it off. After each column or row, give yourself a prize. You got through! Yay! After you've filled the card, enjoy the main prize. You deserve it after putting up with that amount of shit.


In summary:
Prepare in advance
Decide what you want
Inform or educate if safe and possible
Get your own back using bullshit bingo

Most importantly, once you're released from the hell that some of our families feel like, you want to feel good about yourself. Do the right thing at every point. If that's educating them, do it. If it's putting on a mask for a few days because it means you have a happier time, do it, but knowing that you're choosing to do it, not because you're being forced to. Maybe next year you'll have a difficult conversation. Or maybe you'll suddenly decide to go to Australia for the holidays.

Finally, try to build up a group of people around you who you can express your true identity with. Whether they're in person, through clubs, bars, meetups or just from hookup sites, or online, you need to find people you can tell your story to. Reach out. There's far more people like you out there than you'd believe... and almost off of them been through the same shit at some point. They'll understand - and help you take off the mask again.

@elmcoaching
@englishleatherm

*Yeah, I've been married. Let's leave that there for now. Maybe the subject of another blog another time.