Starting half way through a game

It's Boxing day (the day after Christmas for the non-commonwealth readers). You wander down half way through the morning in a post-sherry and too much food stupor. Your mum asks you to take over from her in a game of chess that she was playing against your nephew. She's off to make cold turkey sandwiches, and you realise that if you're going to keep up the calorie intake of a small African village, you need to take over the game to allow her to do so.

You sit at the table and look at the board.

You then have two very simple choices.

1. Ask how you got to the point that you have no pawns, no queen and only one rook
2. Just get on with the game, trying to make the best of a bad lot

 (In the spirit of openness, I'm terrible at chess and lose every time I play, as I can only see one move at a time and that usually involves taking a pawn. But I'm hoping you'll work with me on this analogy ignoring the chess side of things.)

If you go for 1, you're going to spend a lot of time going back over a game that's already almost over, for very little game. However you got here, you'll still end up playing the same game.

If you go for 2, you can instead spend the time focusing on the possible options for the next few plays. You realise that, even though your pieces are in a sad state of affairs, there's ways you can get yourself out of the mess, allowing yourself to checkmate your nephew, giving you permission to lord it over a 12 year old for the rest of the time you're in the house.

Both options could actually lead to the same outcome, and you'll understand something more about chess if you go for option 1. But who has time for that? You need to have a shower and sober up enough to take selfies of yourself upstairs in the new boxers you were given by your boyfriend.

Options 1 and 2 exemplify one of the (many) differences between counselling and coaching.

I often flippantly say to new clients "I don't care what happened to you in your childhood, you are who you are, and we go from there." Of course, I do care, and if there are unresolved issues they may well rear their heads at some point in the future. But the majority of coaching starts with a person as they are and moves forwards in time. Where do you want to be? How are you going to get there?

There are many counselling modalities, and many of them do look forwards, but many of them spend a lot of time in the past, uncovering the reasons behind the circumstances you find yourself in. Often this is because we act in unconscious ways in the present based on what happened in the past. Working out why we do something repeatedly helps us to spot the triggers and avoid it in the future. Example: you find that you manage to sabotage every relationship you're in. By looking at your relationship with your parent may help you to understand what the issues are and therefore manage to find relationships that can remain stable without you causing problems. That's a perfectly useful, very important process... for some people.

It's a bit like the chess grand master who needs to analyse every move in every game he plays to try and work out what he does, when, and why. It stops him from missing moves or making wrong moves in the future.

The thing is, most of us aren't chess grand masters and most of us don't make the same major repeated mistakes in our lives. Yes, we may mess up the odd relationship, yes we may make some bad choices. But how important is it really to uncover the reasons... or is it more important to deal with things and move forwards?

I will ALWAYS recommend people with mental health problems who cannot function properly to seek care from a mental health professional. If your behaviour or thought processes mean that you're in constant mental anguish, that you repeat the same negative patterns of behaviour or have thoughts that are out of step with reality, or have difficulty carrying out normal everyday tasks you should seek help from a psychologist, counsellor, psychotherapist or similar.

However, if you know that now and then you do something a bit silly, feel a bit stuck, need a bit of clarity in your life or need to focus on a future goal, then coaching could well help you. If you're the CEO of a business, you don't need to know why your lust for power is so great - you just need to double your turnover in the next 18 months. If you're trying to get back on the dating scene you don't need to analyse your last relationship - you just need to work out the best way of nabbing the right guy this time round.

Similarly, when you're setting your New Year's resolutions, you don't need to beat yourself up about why you're smoking too much or not exercising enough... you just need to come up with a concrete plan as to what to do next. On your own, it's possible to do this simply, just setting out the steps. What a coach can bring is a real commitment but focusing on how it will make you feel, or how it will change your life... from the place you are now.

Imagine for a moment that you woke up this morning in your body. Your past history was there, your memories implanted. But they were someone else. A different person controlling the avatar. What would you do if you were to forget the reasons why you acted in a particular way in the past and instead only looked forwards? Take stock of what's on the chess board, plan your moves and start playing with an eye on the prize.

Putting the mask back on for the holidays

Many people go home to their families over the holidays. For the lucky ones, they go back with their partner or loved ones, or at least are able to talk openly with their families about their lives.

For others, they return to their families and have to hide part or all of their lives. For some, this may be just the extreme kinks that they're into (how many of you discuss drinking piss with your granny at the table?) while others it goes as far as concealing the fact that you're gay, bisexual or trangendered.

This can be a very stressful time. There's three parallel issues going on.

Firstly, for some, there's veiled homophobia, transphobia or general heteronormative assumptions that go on around the table. I remember when I was 19 and Elton John was announced as singing at Princess Diana's funeral. My aunt made a comment about "Why would they let a homosexual sing?" 11 years later, she wasn't invited to my (gay) wedding*.

Next, there's the anxiety that people will ask questions that mean that you trip up on your own backstory. "So why do you always spend your summers in Gran Canaria/Fire Island?" "How did you get tickets to Kylie?" "You seem to spend a lot of time with this Steve. How did you meet when he's a lawyer and you're a student?"

Finally, and most fundamentally, there's an issue that we have to hide our true identity. This means that you're pretending to be something you're not. Your very existence seems something that you have to hide.

There's no easy way of getting around these issues. It's so easy to be flippant and say "If your family doesn't appreciate who you are, then fuck them and find a group of people who care." But for some reason, life doesn't work like that. They're still our families even if they're shit at knowing us.We crave their love and affection. Or maybe you need their support (financial or otherwise) and have to play the good normal child to keep them from disowning you.

So what do you do when you have to go home, listen to the shit that comes from people's mouths and put on that mask?

Ask yourself what outcome you'd truly like. Would you like your homophobic elder brother to suddenly start singing along to Gloria Gaynor with you on the dance floor? Or would you simply like him to think twice before making limp wrist gestures every time Sam Smith appears on the TV? Do you want to feel accepted, or simply seen for who you are? Or do you just want to get through the week with as little drama as possible?

Think carefully about where you make connections in life. If you've a large group of friends who accept you (whether or not they're 'like' you), then you're doing well. If you're relatively isolated, then you might need the support of your family more. How dangerous is rocking the boat.

Question whether what comes out of people's mouths is actually what they believe. There are many people who make homophobic/transphobic comments but don't truly believe them. They say them because they're the norm or because it's a cheap joke.

One of the things to try and let go of is the idea that homophobic jokes are aimed at you personally. I've been in rooms where I'm known as an out gay man, and yet someone has said something homophobic just because that's what they do. The first step in dealing with this is to recognise it wasn't aimed at me. Then, once I calm down from that feeling, I can make a practical and logical decision on whether to call the person out or not.

As weird as it may sound, everything anyone does comes from a place of positive intent. Let me explain. The transphobe who shouts abuse at a transexual person on screen is doing it because it helps them in some way. Maybe they're secretly battling their own feelings of confusion with gender or sexuality (which tend to get mixed up). Maybe they have felt the need to be 'part of the pack' at work, where everyone is a lad and everyone follows the same behaviour patterns, and this has leaked into home life. Maybe they're protecting their own position as alpha male in the family. Or they're attempting to demonstrate their adherence to their faith.

Whatever the positive reason behind the hate is, it helps to identify this reason. It means that once again you depersonalise the comment or behaviour, and instead try to empathise with the person. It will allow you to meet them on their terms.

This is particularly the case where you've come out to your family, but it's never mentioned. This feels like a snub. It feels like they're denying the conversation ever happened. Ask yourself: Is this true? Or maybe they're confused about what they're allowed to ask. Maybe they're respecting your privacy. Maybe they're conflicted as they love your but their particular religious text says something else. If people have been brainwashed into thinking a particular way, it's incredibly difficult to turn that belief around. Want proof, look at what's going on in politics around the world and you'll see many examples. Or the fact that people stay loyal to a particular football club despite not a single player or the coach staying more than a couple of years, and repeated relegation. Admitting you're wrong is hard.

If circumstances are right, and you're safe, try to gently open up the conversations or even educate your family. "I don't think that's entirely fair, dad..." "I went to G.A.Y last week and had a great time." "I know lots of people who are into that, they seem like a good bunch of people on the whole."

Find an ally. Maybe you've got a sibling or an aunt you can open up to. It helps enormously to have someone you can catch eyes with when your mum makes some stupid comment and do a quick eye roll.

If all else fails, make yourself a bullshit bingo card. Draw a 3x3 table on your phone and fill it in with the sort of crap you think your family are going to say. Then stash away two small and one large 'prize'. Two small bars of chocolate and a massive one. Or a couple of miniature bottles of spirits and a larger one.

When someone says one of the phrases, mark it off. After each column or row, give yourself a prize. You got through! Yay! After you've filled the card, enjoy the main prize. You deserve it after putting up with that amount of shit.


In summary:
Prepare in advance
Decide what you want
Inform or educate if safe and possible
Get your own back using bullshit bingo

Most importantly, once you're released from the hell that some of our families feel like, you want to feel good about yourself. Do the right thing at every point. If that's educating them, do it. If it's putting on a mask for a few days because it means you have a happier time, do it, but knowing that you're choosing to do it, not because you're being forced to. Maybe next year you'll have a difficult conversation. Or maybe you'll suddenly decide to go to Australia for the holidays.

Finally, try to build up a group of people around you who you can express your true identity with. Whether they're in person, through clubs, bars, meetups or just from hookup sites, or online, you need to find people you can tell your story to. Reach out. There's far more people like you out there than you'd believe... and almost off of them been through the same shit at some point. They'll understand - and help you take off the mask again.

@elmcoaching
@englishleatherm

*Yeah, I've been married. Let's leave that there for now. Maybe the subject of another blog another time.

Ask Why?

"Why?" is a dangerous word.

In most coach training programs, prospective coaches are advised to avoid asking clients "Why?" The reason is that most of us are hard wired to protect our beliefs. So if a client says, "I want to become a teacher," and the coach answers, "Why is that?" then the first thing the client thinks is that the coach believes that being a teacher is a bad thing.

Maybe this is because we only ask "Why?" when we disagree. At work, if you boss makes a decision you agree with, you don't bother asking "Why?" You assume that they have the same reasons for making the decision as you would. However, thinking about that, you don't actually know that, but as the outcome is the same as it would be for you, you don't ask. If the boss makes a decision you disagree with, and you have balls, you'll challenge with "Why?" - but even then you'll possibly couch it in a load of softeners. "I respect your decision, but are you able to help me understand the reasons behind why you've come to this conclusion?"

So here I am, having told you that "Why?" is dangerous, telling you to use it. But not on your boss. On you.

There's a famous technique in business called "The five whys?" It was developed by Toyota to get to find the root cause of a problem by asking repeated why questions.

Example:
My phone won't connect to the internet.
Why? Because the wifi is down.
Why? Because I haven't paid the bill.
Why? Because I don't have enough money.
Why? Because my job doesn't pay enough.
Why? Because I haven't been signing up to enough shifts.

By moving to the root cause of a problem, you don't just tackle the symptoms, you tackle the real issues. In the (trivial) case above, you're likely to know all of the answers before even starting. But sometimes finding the answer to the why takes much more digging.

What's this to do with personal development?

Think of a goal you have in life. Maybe it's something that you want to focus on as a New Year Resolution. Examples could include:

• I want to lose weight
• I want to get a better job
• I want to find a boyfriend
• I want to find a Master
• I want to stop spending money on cam sites
• I want to stop smoking

Have you actually asked yourself why you want to do this?

Catch yourself if you just thought "That's self-evident. Of course I want to lose weight, who doesn't?"

Ask yourself "Why?"

I want to lose weight.
Why? Because I know that I'm overweight.
Why? Because my BMI is slightly above what it should be.
Why? Because I really like my double shot vanilla full fat lattes and one each morning.
Why? Because they make me feel good!
Why? Because I restrict my diet for the rest of what I eat.
So the root cause is that your diet is boring. Now your challenge isn't a negative "I want to lose weight", it's a positive "I want to make my diet more interesting."

Sometimes you need to vary the questioning a bit to get at the actual problem.
I want to stop spending money on cam sites.
Why? Because I don't have the money to do other things that I enjoy.
So why am I spending the money in the first place? Because I really get off on seeing hot guys jerk off on command.
Why? Because I like having control over beautiful people.
Why? Because I don't have control over much in my life, let alone successful or beautiful people.
Why? Because my job sucks and I don't have any autonomy.
So maybe the answer is to focus on getting a better job... and that will either mean that you'll end up with more money to do the things that you really enjoy (including spending money on cam models) OR you'll realise you don't need to play with control as you have more control over your own life.

You may also have to branch:
I want to stop smoking.
Why? Because my boyfriend hates the smell (Branch 1) AND because it costs me too much (Branch 2).
Branch 1:
Why? Because when I walk in after having a cigarette he gets really upset.
Why? Because I'm showing that I care more about smoking than his feelings (etc)
Branch 2:
Why? Because I only have a certain amount of take-home pay each month, and this is taking up a larger and larger proportion.
Why is that a problem? Because we don't get to do other things because of my smoking.

Sometimes the chain will lead you to a root issue (I need to show my boyfriend I care about him), and sometimes it will lead you to a root reason for doing something (I would like to do other things that I can't afford to right now). Tackle the issues and focus on the positive reasons as drivers of the changes you want to make.

Unless you're working with a great coach (such as the one you can find at www.englishleathermaster.com/coaching 😋) it's very difficult to get anyone else to ask you these why questions. Your self-preservation circuitry kicks in and you push back against any suggestion that your goals aren't obviously spot on and worth working for. So you're going to have to do the work yourself.

You have to be very honest and open when you do this process. You'll find the biggest mental push back is when you have something that you've tried to persuade other people is a good thing. "I want to get back with my ex," when your friends have told you he's toxic. Why? Is it him you miss? Or do you want to prove to people that you didn't make a poor decision in the past? Or do you enjoy something about him that you could get from someone else? Or do you deep down believe no one else will have you?


So before you hit the first of January, make sure you ask yourself "Why?" you're setting yourself up to do the things resolve to do. You'll develop more meaningful, positive goals that you're much more likely to stick with by doing so.

@elmcoaching
www.englishleathermaster.com/coaching