Your personal development pipeline

What's the thing that's most annoying you about your life?

Is it your work?
Your relationships?
A health issue?
Or maybe you just generally not feel great but are not sure why?

Whatever it is that isn't working for you at the moment, have you considered why it is you're not doing anything about it? Or, maybe, why it is that what you're doing isn't working?

A theory developed by Peterson and Goldsmith explains why you may be having problems.
The idea behind the development pipeline is to consider all the steps needed to make a change. This pipeline was developed for changes in work, but is just as relevant to making change in life.

Think about a water pipe. A very wide pipe allows a lot of liquid to flow.

A thin pipe can slow down the flow and create a blockage.

The important thing to realise is that having one very wide area of pipe cannot compensate for a thin area; the thin area will have an effect on the whole system. So if one of the areas in your personal development pipeline is thinner than the others, that's the one you need to concentrate on before you work on anything else.

To illustrate how this works, I'm going to give examples of people who are trying to make a change in their health and people who are trying to start a new business. These are two of the areas I've helped people with through my coaching practise.

Insight

Health: People who have insight understand what's they need to do to improve. They realise that they
need to eat a healthier range of food, or exercise more, or cut down on cigarettes or alcohol. The clearer the understanding, the wider this part of the pipeline is.

Those without insight are those who feel the problems, but don't really know why. Maybe they feel lethargic or have an ongoing illness, but they really don't know what they should do about it. Maybe they recognise they're overweight, but they don't genuinely don't understand the best route to losing weight, or what it takes in practise.

Work: A person who is starting a business have insight if they have a clear idea of what it is they are developing. They understand the market they are working in, they are clear about their strategy and time line and they have well defined goals.

Someone without insight may have a very undefined goal: I want to make money, or I want a job I can travel with, or I want to work shorter hours. Maybe they haven't scoped the possibilities or done their market research.

Someone without insight can't move forwards as they don't know what they're moving forward with. They go round in circles trying to find the right answer. In the worst case scenario, they don't even know the questions to ask.

Motivation

Motivation can be either negative or positive, internal or external.

Negative external motivation is what is done to you; the stick. A person must stop smoking or they cannot have an operation they need. Someone is made redundant/laid off by their company and has to find an alternative source of income. Negative external motivation forces you to move, although it may be for the wrong reasons.

Positive external motivation is the carrot. Your boyfriend tells you he'll marry you if you lose weight, or you want to look great for the big fetish event when you're going to be walking around in a jock strap. A potential client asks you to write a bid for a project worth a lot of money.

Negative internal motivation is when you realise something bad is happening or will happen when you don't do something. You're starting to cough nastily every morning and hate it so want to give up smoking. Or you're really bored and need a big project to excite you.

Examples of positive internal motivation would be when you want to feel the success of breaking a personal record in running or making enough money to retire at 50.

However, even with these factors, there's an internal "cost and benefit" exchange that takes place. Is it really worth getting up 30 minutes earlier every day to go for a run? Can I be bothered to work long nights on a new business venture, when I actually want to spend time watching TV?

Low motivation can be a complicated thing to break down. It starts from being too fuzzy in the insight - you say you want to stop smoking, but actually you just want to stop coughing. You say you want your own business, but actually you want your boss to stop bothering you. Finding the root cause for lack of motivation will widen this pipe and leave you ready and willing to make change in your life.

Capabilities

I would love to be an air traffic controller. Think of the power! All those planes flying to your command! (Although I'd probably spend more time getting them to spell rude words in the air with contrails.) However, sadly, I would be terrible at the job. My mental arithmetic sucks and I'm far too easily distracted. These are the easy to spot skills that I don't have, and there may be things you know you don't have that you need to progress to your vision of the future.

What capabilities are needed for your goals? Maybe you want to lose weight, and you know the basics of healthy eating, but not the details. I met someone once who told me she was on a low-carb diet. She wasn't eating rice or pasta, but didn't notice that she was drizzling sugary sauce all over her chicken breasts. She didn't have the knowledge to pull the diet off.

Likewise, some people have big plans for opening businesses, but don't understand the backroom stuff - marketing, invoicing, insurance, payroll, regulations, tax...

Often, the skills and knowledge you need can be gained through learning or advice, and if the motivation is strong enough, people put the time into gaining what they don't have but need.

There are a number of other issues at play here. There's the Dunning-Kuger effect - the idea that everyone overestimates their own abilities. More than 50% of people think their driving is better than average. More than 50% of people think that they're better looking than average... The other form of this effect is that experts are better at self-assessment than novices. So someone who's a personal trainer is likely to be far better at analysing their performance in the gym than someone who's just walking in there for the first time.

Then there's people's personal blind spots regarding their own skills, underestimation of time required to do something and simply not knowing information - and not knowing that they don't know.

Of all the parts of the pipeline, capabilities are likely to be the area that are hardest to work through alone. After all, if you don't know you don't know something, how can you find it out? Even if someone did know, for example, that they didn't know how to use the equipment at a gym, they need someone else to help them find the best way (even if that someone is a book or YouTube).

Being very honest with yourself  is hard - we all have to support our own self image (after all, who else will do that for us?). Think about the options for external coaching, support and advice for increasing your skills and capabilities.

Real-world practice

In a previous job, I went to speak to various engineering firms about what they required from education. They said the problem wasn't the formal, academic knowledge, it was hands-on problem solving. They were inundated with candidates leaving university who could solve partial differential equations in three dimensions - but couldn't repair a bicycle if asked.

All your book knowledge is nothing if it doesn't come with real word experience. Sometimes, there is no way of gaining this without learning on the job. You can't learn how to use a set of dumbbells without picking one up. Other times, there are opportunities for low-stakes ways of gaining experience. Want to open a restaurant, but have worked all your life in an office? Why not go and work for a successful business first to see what actually happens?

The requirement for building real world practice is often overlooked, especially when planning your time line for change. It may take a number of weeks to build up an exercise routine that means you're burning more calories than you eat. You may need to put plans for expansion on hold while you work to understand the complexities of a new market.

Responsibility

Who is truly responsible for your change?

If you work in a business, you might see this step as accountability. If you don't do X, then your manager will do Y. You're accountable and will be taken to task to do it. But accountability and responsibility is bigger than just if something bad will happen if you don't do something. That's essentially external motivation.

Responsibility here is about whether it is truly your job to make a change.

Maybe you have recognised that you need to stop smoking, you're willing to put the time in, you understand the options and you're willing to try a number... but deep down inside you expect someone to 'make' you do it. This step is one of the reasons that hypnotherapy is so useful for smoking cessation - it gives you an external authority who has told you that you will make a change, allowing you to abdicate responsibility.

If you don't feel deep personal responsibility for change, then you will let external factors come into play. They come out when the boss asks "Why didn't you do X?" and you reel out "Y and Z happened, so it's not my fault." Deep down you know that Y and Z were always on the horizon and should have been planned for.

Working through the pipeline

It is hard to sit down with yourself, define a goal, and then analyse each step of this pipeline. We have our inherent biases, blind spots and lack of information which mean that we cannot see what we need to see to become fully aware of issues.

Many have friends who say they'll help, but friends exist to boost our egos. It's a very rare friend that says "That's not going to work as you really can't take responsibility," or "That goal is a bit cloudy, it doesn't sound like you know exactly what you want."

That's where coaching comes in. A coach does not give you advice or guidance, but is aware of all of the elements of the pipeline. They will work you through each of the steps and will help you to gain greater awareness of the current situation so you know where to focus your time, energy and attention. As a disinterested observer, the coach doesn't have the agenda that a family member or business partner has.

Whether you're trying to buy a home or improve your company's profits, increase your follower count on twitter or become a better lover, a coach will be able to help you achieve your goals.

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@elmcoaching
www.englishleathermaster.com

7 levels of consciousness: submissives' edition

Last week, I blogged about the seven levels of consciousness that Dominants can posess. It got a number of people thinking and quite a few commented on their level. Then the submissives started asking for their version. So here it is. The seven levels of consciousness for submissives.

It's worth noting that the levels are not directly connected to different types of submissive, but there are links. Those who want total dehumanisation (gimps etc) are likely to be victims... but they could actually exist on a far higher level and just be aware of their place in the scheme of life.

Please note: photos in this blog are not owned by me and are meant only to make the blog look good; they should not be taken as any sort of judgement on the people in the pictures.

Level 1: The victim submissive

Whilst many types of sub, even at the higher level, enjoy some element of pain, being bullied, humilated or whatever, to the victim submissive, this is their life. They're submissive only because they can't be bothered to do any thinking in order to find any sort of connection or meaning in life.

The victim is the type of guy who sits at home, now and then turning on the apps to see who has contacted them. But of course, they're unlikely to have even put pictures on the app, let alone any text, so no one does. They blame the world for their problems and won't do anything about it.

Level 2: The angry submissive

Angry submissives are a bit like those dogs you hear about who have been mistreated. They growl and snarl at the world. Like victims, they blame the world for their problems, but they're more likely to lash out. They know that having connection in their life would help them feel better about themselves and the life they live, but they find themselves feeling annoyed that they have to do all the work.

Angry submissives often have long lists of what they expect from a Dominant on their profiles, without actually giving much about why a Dominant would want to connect with them.

Being self-centred, angry submissives are likely to view any contact that takes more than a couple of days to turn from "Hi" to a meet as a waste of time. They therefore don't meet many people.

Angry submissives also believe that everyone can read their minds. They expect those they meet to be able to push the exact buttons they want to have pushed without expressing these beforehand. A single wrong step (such as using the wrong name for the submissive or by attempting a physical or sexual act that isn't what the submissive was looking for) will mean that the submissive lashes out and gives up on the connection.

Some on this level aren't as much angry as self-obsessed. They're the ones who 'Dominants' post pictures of them 'using their slaves' - and the slave is so busy preening at the camera that the Dominant doesn't really get any service at all. 

Don't confuse angry submissives with power bottoms or brats. These are roles that people play and can mean that a person is much higher up on the consciousness ladder. However, it is possibly true that people become brats as a way of expressing what they want as they haven't learnt the art of communicating with a Dominant which could put them in this category.

Level 3: The cooperative submissive

Cooperative submissives have started to think outside of themselves and realise that to move forward in life requires them to take responsibility for their own growth. These subs often have profiles on the various dating sites and apps that explain carefully what they are, and are not, into and will generally have pictures of some form.

Cooperative submissives are willing to compromise in order to get some form of connection, sometimes allowing themselves to be drawn into scenes and situations that go against their wishes, goals or values as long as their ultimate aim of meeting a particular person is fulfilled.

These submissives will work hard to make connections, often chasing a Dominant for an extendied period of time in order to get noticed. They also forgive when someone changes plans at the last moment.

Although this may feel like the submissive is working for mutual submissives will tend to be quite selfish. They are the same submissives who will finally make contact with a Dominant and then ask for the Dominant to "arrange for your friends to use me, too"... making the whole scene ultimately about them. 
benefit, ultimately these

Whist their profiles are about what they want, they generally don't consider why a Dominant would want them.

Cooperative submissives thrive on strict rules. They find complexity and ambiguity confusing. They look to the Dominant for constant guidance and expect punishment when they move out of line. Of course, the form of the punishment must fit the submissive's view of the world and cannot be different from what is expected or the submissive may feel slighted.

Level 4: The servant

The servant finds peace in serving others. They look to help others and solve people's problems. They want to help and are motivated by putting others first.

The servant submissive finds meaning in servitude and feel lost when they are not serving. Service can take a number of different forms, from sexual (eg making sure the Dominant feels amazing when being sucked or when fucking) through domestic (cooking and cleaning) to cash slavery (giving money to make the Dominant's life better). Each submissive will find his own niche and will find Dominants who respond well to it.

This place feels very comfortable for the servant submissive, and they feel justified in this position. It feels right to be giving constantly to a Man they adore.The problem here comes from the fact that the servant submissive is nothing without the Dominant. Think Dobby in Harry Potter once he's got his socks, or the servants in Beauty and the Beast... the servant sub is defined by serving.

Sometimes this means they can try too hard - deskilling the Dominant or making Him lazy. It can also lead to some silly situations. In the past, when I've been walking with a servant submissive, passing through a door can lead to a dance as the submissive tries too hard to get the door for me. It all ends up feeling forced when it would be just as easy for me to have opened the door. There's politeness and knowing your place, and there's making such a big point of it that you can't actually move forwards. Servant subs can also try too hard to anticipate a Dominant's needs, and feel slighted or pushed aside when the Dominant doesn't need them to do a particular task. Sometimes, it's just easier for a Dominant to cum using His own hand or to book their own travel. Or the servant submissive can be so keen to serve that he misses the fact that the Dominant actually enjoys activities such as cooking which the servant seems desperate to take over.

Worse still, when a servant submissive doesn't have a Dominant, they have nothing to give them purpose in life and feel lost and empty.

Like cooperative submissives, servant submissives love rules. The big difference here is that they feel personally responsible for any failings, even if they are not directly to blame. They can spend a lot of time beating themselves up about problems, which generally leads to a spiral of self-recrimination, which often then leads to worse service for the Dominant, so is ultimately counterproductive.

Level 5: The understanding submissive

Many peaceful submissives will find the same enjoyment in servitude as the servant submissive, but have understood that there is a complexity in any situation and act accordingly. They understand that every Dominant is different and that any sub-Dom relationship must be built on communication, compromise and mutual acceptance.

The understanding submissive recognises his own needs on a deeper level than the servant submissive. They understand what drives them - their core values.

Understanding submissives are accepting of differences. Although, like most people, they can find themselves being judgemental, they know that being so is wrong and they try to see beyond their own prejudices and find common ground, or at least agree to differ. They have a deep understanding of what makes their Dominant tick and will work to fulfill that need, if they can.

Underpinning this is an understanding of core values - those values that lie above our actions and make us choose between the grey areas of life. Take an example: a submissive is new to a sub/Dom relationship and has been left in the care of a second Dominant. The sub has not had a conversation about rules with his Master. The second Dominant asks him to serve sexually. Does he feel that loyalty to his Master, or respect to the second Dominant is more important, in the absence of rules?

Loyalty and respect are core values, along with honesty, compassion, efficiency, creativity and security. A submissive at this level will recognise his own, and have a good sense of what drives his Dominant too (as long as the Dominant is of a high enough level to understand theirs). They will then be able to act accordingly. For example, if the sub in the example above realised that the Dominant was driven more by respect to other Dominants than by loyalty to themselves, they would serve the second Dominant. But they would also be understanding of the punishment that could result should they have got the decision wrong.

Level 6: The connected submissive

Connected submissives have inner strength and wisdom. They are totally grounded and accepting of who they are and their place on this Earth and within relationships. They are fully aware of the differences between their own values and beliefs and others, and can reconcile these differences.

These submissives are not easily malliable as they are so clear on who they are. Weak Dominants find them problematic as they do not fit into the stereotype of a submissive. At times, they can be directive, when they feel that being so will benefit their Dominant's life. At their heart, they feel happiness in benefitting a Dominant and have the foresight to understand that a Dominant's immediate demands may not be the best result in the long run. They will find respectful ways to guide the Dominant to a better course of action.

In a previous blog, I wrote about Dobby (a Level 4) and Jeeves (as in Jeeves and Wooster). Jeeves is a Level 6 at least, if not a 7. He is completely at home with being the servant, and strives for his Master to get the best from the relationship. He guides his Master to the best outcomes. But he's still the one who brings the tea and does the ironing.

Likewise, a connected submissive is connected to the tasks they enjoy performing or the activities they enjoy doing with their Dominant. They help to bring the relationship to higher levels by encouraging and feel true joy in serving.

Level 7: The ultimate submissive

To those who haven't thought about this, the ultimate submissive is the gimp. A human being who has given his total existence to a Dominant man. They are kept in a closet and only let out when being used. But such a submissive is barely scraping a Level 1. They have a desire to turn off their consciousness, not to expand it. They are lazy and unreactive.

The ultimate submissive is one who knows his place on Earth and who isn't afraid to play that role fully, totally committing to it. They are passionate about what they do and will work to serve the Dominant in any way possible.

If a Dominant was an orchestral conductor, the ultimate submissive would be the soloist for a concerto. They are undert the control of the conductor, but they shine in their own right. They have worked to find their true place and integrate seamlessly with the rest of the orchestra when it is right to do so, but rise above when required.

The ultimate submissive's intention is wider than just their Dominant. They feel connection throughout the world and understand the power they have in their actions and the work they do. They will go to great lengths to improve themselves and the lives of those around them. They thrive under ownership but do not feel the need to be owned to be whole. They are very, very rare.

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7 levels of consciousness: Dominants' edition

What does it take to be a great Dominant?

Amazing clothes?
A fully equipped dungeon?
Ability to use toys?
A huge cock?

Maybe, but I contend that the greatest Dominant can be just that sitting eating a meal in a restaurant, having a conversation with the people around him.

So without further ado, here's my scale of the seven levels of consciousness for Dominants. Don't worry, submissives, I'll get to you in the next blog.

Level 1: The Victim Dominant

There are a load of these around on the internet. You can spot them a mile off. They complain constantly. "Why doesn't anyone submit?" "Why do people always fl
ake on me?"

When you meet them, they're boring. They have no spark. They think that the world owes them a favour. That is, if they ever get out. Most of the time they're sitting around their homes, assuming someone will come to them. They can't be bothered to move. They use excuses like "It's the slave's job to come to me" and "I expect the slave to do the work."

What's going on is they're revelling in losing. They define themselves as Dominants as they're too lazy to do anything else.

It's easy to ignore these as they're unlikely to do anything about meeting anyway.

Level 2: The Angry Dominant

A lot of straight cash masters fall into this category. They've bullies. They're often homophobic. Even the gay masters are angry about something. They define themselves as sadists, but actually they're just angry. Who knows why?

These Dominants attract the submissives with the lowest self esteem who are looking to be beaten and abused. They prey on submissives and leech off their time, energy and resources.

They may set tasks for submissives simply so the submissive can fail. This gives them a reason to punish and become angrier. They push submissives to depths that they don't want to go to.

Submissives should avoid these dominants at all costs. They're dangerous.

Level 3: The Responsible Dominant

Responsible Dominants understand that the kink-world survives on give and take. These Dominants will take the time to talk to their submissive, to discover their desires and their likes. They cooperate with submissives to design scenes that they both enjoy.

However, this is ultimately still about the Dominant. They feel power from the fact they are 'allowing' the submissive to have a good time. They might forgive the submissive if the submissive steps out of line, but the forgiveness is handed out as a gift. They forgive to make themselves look better.

The Responsible Dominant will see limits as sacred. They won't cross the line that the submissive has set.

Outside play, these Dominants will take notice of the submissive's life experiences and be genuinely interested in the non-kink/non-sexual side of s submissive's life.

Level 4: The Concerned Dominant

Concerned Dominants have read the manual that says that the submissive is actually in charge. Whether the concerned dominant is being sucked, fucking, whipping or administering electro shocks to the submissive, the dominant is actually thinking about the submissive's experience more than their own.

The Concerned Dominant desires recognition above all. They crave that text after a session that says "You were great!" They develop skills that they know will make the submissive feel good.

Like the Responsible Dominant, the Concerned Dominant will take time and effort to find what the submissive is into and will play according to the submissive's rules.

These Dominants sometimes go further in ownership of submissives, taking time and care to plan out a submissive's life, helping them to go places in life. This takes time and effort. The danger here is that the Dominant can become over-controlling, making decisions that look good from their point of view without fully understanding the situation, or the submissive can become too passive.

Level 5: The Accepting Dominant

These Dominants understand that everyone is different, and that everyone has their needs. Most importantly, they understand that everyone has a choice in life.

Whilst they will take the needs, desires and fantasies of the submissive on board, they won't see these as a list of must-do experiences or actions, they'll integrate these with their own set of needs. They will find ways of combining what both the Dominant and submissive want in order to have the best time.

Accepting Dominants are able to reconcile the different aspects of life that contradict each other. They can understand the intention behind behaviours. So, for example, they're more likely to be able to take a joke from a submissive as just that, understanding that the submissive simply wanted to see the Dominant laugh.

Accepting Dominants guide submissives to higher levels of their own lives - not by telling them what to do, but by discussing options and acting as a critical friend.

The Accepting Dominant prefers guidelines to rules. They understand that life gets in the way sometimes, and will work with the submissive if the submissive gets things wrong.

Level 6: The Wise Dominant

Wise Dominants have an air of peace about them. They understand the interconnectedness of people and how actions have impact far greater than that of single situations.

Wise Dominants can integrate the desires and needs of both the submissive and the Dominant in ways that benefit both. They enjoy exploring others' fantasies and will often try new experiences to discover more about other people.

Like Accepting Dominants, Wise Dominants set guidelines - but they see a much longer process than guides for the here and now. They see into the future and set in place structures that can exist to bring the relationship to higher levels.

Wise Dominants foresee the different paths that people are on and work with them to achieve their goals.

Counter intuitively, a Wise Dominant may see decollaring as a good thing. A Wise Dominant realises that everyone's path is different, and at times this means that a submissive will walk the same path as Him for a while - and then will change direction. They will take pride in seeing the growth in a submissive and in building strength in the submissive.

Level 7: The Non-Judgemental Dominant

The highest level of consciousness for a Dominant is one of total peace with the world.

The Non-Judgemental Dominant will realise that everyone is fundamentally fine. They accept that everyone's place in life is as it should be.

The Non-Judgemental Dominant may be confusing to the onlooker as they will act differently with different submissives - treating gimps as non-humans, puppies as fun playthings and slaves as property. They will not seek to give advice to anyone, but are willing to help create opportunities to allow others to fully explore their goals and vision for life.

They see kink play as an expression of humanity, and see beyond the immediate needs. In new scenes, they will be totally consumed by the experience, allowing themselves to be fully present. Their intentions will be to have experiences that take both the Dominant and submissive to higher levels of understanding of their body, mind and soul.


Not everyone will achieve Level 7. Many will fail to get past the lower levels. People will move between levels in different situations, with situations and particular connections sometimes moving a Dominant up or down a level. Even a Dominant who achieves Level 7 at some points in their life will regress to Anger when something goes wrong, or Concern if a submissive behaves in certain ways.

For Dominants, be honest with yourself. Which level are you on? What would get you to the next level? What holds you back? What forces you to regress?

For submissives, consider which type of Dominant you want. Do you want an Angry Dominant who will make you feel excited? Do you want a Dominant who gives you a great time? Are you ready for a Dominant who truly sees you as you are, accepts you and works with you?

I'd love to hear your comments and thoughts on this topic. Where are you? Do you recognise these levels in the Dominants you've met?

@elmcoaching
@englishleathermaster