Dobby or Jeeves?

Are you more like Dobby or Jeeves when you serve?

Let me explain.

One of my subs told me that he had believed that slaves cannot think for themselves. They're mindless drones who do everything at the beck and call of a Master.

I'll admit, for about a week when I first starting getting into this world, I enjoyed choosing what slaves would wear or what they'd eat. Rapidly, though, I realised I didn't care. I was putting effort and time into thinking about something that had no relation to my life. If a slave isn't near me, why do I give a flying fuck about what colour t-shirt he's wearing?

Rules are ok, and can be useful for longer term goals. Restricted diets to improve health; certain types of clothing to remind the sub that he's owned; enforced chastity. But that's about training the mind, it's again not about making the sub useful.

How much, then can a sub think?

Let's examine for a moment two types of slave from not-quite-great literature. The house elf (Harry Potter) and Jeeves (Jeeves and Wooster).

Dobby and the other house elves are true slaves. They are bound to do all that their owners command. They cannot think outside the commands. They are given strict rules.They're true lowlives. In BDSM, they're more like gimps. They hang around doing very little. Maybe they're bound. Maybe they're told to sit in the corner. Maybe they're ignored.

I remember meeting a guy who I had fancied for ages, and spent an evening at his place. He asked to be caged. So I caged him. At which point I thought "What next?" I went and watched TV for an hour. He might have been getting something out of it, but I didn't really.

Likewise, recently a slave came round and I told him to sit at the end of my bed with a mask on. He had told me he liked to be ignored. So I ignored him for a while, but it was very much like having an elephant in the room. I couldn't really do the stuff I wanted to do as I was aware that there was human sitting there waiting for something to happen. Eventually I pissed all over him and fucked his mouth. Both of which I enjoyed.

Maybe I'm a selfish dom, but Dobbies really don't do a lot for me. It feels like I have to do all the thinking and they get bossed around and turned on by that.

On the other hand, we have Jeeves, the butler.

Anyone who's read the books or has seen the Fry and Laurie adaptation will know that in this case, Jeeves was the servant to the slightly useless Wooster. Often, it was Jeeves' quick thinking that got Wooster out of trouble. Jeeves was free to walk away, but stayed due to genuine affection and a desire to make his Master's life better.

I would prefer a proactive sub any day. I give orders, and set rules, but I want a sub who can think between the lines. "Bring a jock strap and harness." - the sub brings boots as well, realising they'll be useful. "Find a flight from a to b on day x." The sub checks alternative routes and dates for the best options, lays them out and asks me to make a final decision.

Every now and then, this means that the sub goes beyond his remit and does something I haven't asked him to do. But the rub is - I didn't tell him not to do it. So it's my fault. I explain how I'd like it to be done in the future and we move on. There's no need for punishment as I know the sub is already beating himself up about not interpreting my requirements correctly.

So to all those doms out there who tell subs they can't think: you're missing out on a much more useful sub.

For all those subs out there who don't feel right being told not to think: find a dom who appreciates what he can get out of you.

Dating? It's just sales.

Many people come to me talking about how they wish they had a boyfriend/Master/sub/daddy/puppy/owner/whatever. All too often I get messages outlining the poor excuses, lack of commitment or just plain ignoring that happens.

Recently a friend sent me a series of conversations with a couple of prospective dates, both of which included the dates refusing to stick to plans and then wandering off. He ended the message "maybe I'm too keen".

In one of my past lives, I worked in sales. I personally find the whole cold-calling thing excrutiating, so I didn't stick with it for long, but I did pick up a thing or two along the way. I thought about what he said and I wondered what would happen if we started treating dating as a sales process.

Anyone involved in sales will be well aware of the sales funnel. It is a diagramatic representation of how many people there are in the market for whatever it is you're selling, down to how many people actually buy the product or service.

Google sales funnels and you'll get loads like this one:

The point here is that there is a very large group of people who could potentially use your service, but you need to first make them aware, then bring them on board, then get them to commit to buying your product or service.

The funnel is shaped like this as the number of people decreases with each stage: not everyone will become aware of your product or service, no matter how much marketing you do. Not everyone who meets you and tries it will actually buy it.

What's important though is that you can't ever get a sale if a customer hasn't progressed through the steps. No one can buy something they don't know exists, or if they haven't shown interest in the first place. This means you have to work on two things: working to move every customer that enters a particular stage into the next stage down (so a potential customer expresses an interest, you get on the phone and arrange a demonstration, or a potential customer who tries your product you try to push for a sale)... but you also have to keep as many potential customers moving into the first few stages to make up for those who drop out.

If you put all your eggs in one basket, and just push one customer down, the chances are they're likely to drop out at some point.

So what does this tell us about gay dating?

It's possible to re-write the funnel in terms of gay dating.

Obviously, in some cases "love" means "on call fuck buddy" or "becomes my Master" or whatever.  There may be more dates involved between first contact and deciding to go to B&Q (for scatter cushions or duct tape depending on what you're into). 

One of the problems with dating is that you see yourself as the centre of the world. You know you're amazing and lovable and great in bed and humorous... so why won't anyone date you? Does this mean there's something wrong with you?

It helps to turn things around to see it from other people's point of view at each stage.

I am sure I'm not alone in now and then opening dating apps just to see who's around. This means that I often get messages when I have no intention to meet people. I ignore them as it feels like so much effort to reply "sorry, not today". Does this make me a bastard? Nope. It makes me human. In the same way that I don't reply "No thank you" to every ad that appears on TV, and I don't bother clicking that "I don't like this ad" button every time I see an ad I'm uninterested in on the web. 

Even those who message, we've all started a conversation with two or three and realised that something isn't right. They're top/bottom/vers and you want the other one. They're into whipping and you want someone into gunge. Their cock is too small or too big or cut or uncut. They're hairy or smooth... there's so many combinations of things we want. They want the same. 

Even if you're on paper compatible, then there's location and finding a time to meet. This often seems like the biggest hurdle. People are busy. There are lots of options. When I used to live in the country, people would travel for miles to meet. Once you're in a big city, a few hundred meters away is too far. It all seems like so much effort.

So the rings get smaller. 

The thing is, all the way through putting other people off and not agreeing to meet other people, you're getting upset that people are doing it to you. 

So you have two ways to go: get upset about it and stay stuck, or realise that you're in a sales game and you need to do something to push people down the funnel. 

So firstly, don't feel bad about pursuing people. The worst that can happen is that they block you. The best that can happen is that they realise you really are interested and give it a go. 

Secondly, until you're on date three or four and really like someone - don't stop looking for more to push down the funnel. You're not being disloyal by keeping your options open. 

Finally, think about yourself in the same way that salespeople think about their products. What's in it for the customer? What's the unique selling point?

Whatever you do, be true to yourself. I had a good friend who was fat and in his late 40s. He had a thing for 20-somethings. He tried to be someone else on the apps, taking pictures that hid his belly and reduced his age. He attracted people looking for slim 30-somethings, and wasn't attracting those who were actually into him. He wondered why people didn't go on second dates - he was false advertising.

So, in summary: make sure as wide a circle of people get to see you as possible, advertise what's truly on offer, keep trying and keep pushing people down through the stages. Don't get upset when people drop off, see things from their eyes and have fun along the way.

You'll find what you're looking for eventually. Don't give up.

@englishleatherm
@elmcoaching

Domming for cash

@Englishleatherm on Twitter

If you look at Twitter, you'd believe that every dominant was on the scene only for the cash side of things. Whether a cash master, a webcam pay-per-minute performer, a porn star, a phone sex chat host, or someone selling vids on any of a number of sites, the whole of the twittersphere seems to have been taken over by money-focused sex.

I must claim an interest here. I have been involved in findom and other money-related sex matters for years. I  have use cash slaves online and in person, and continue to do a bit of it during the other online stuff I do. I also (as you probably know if you're reading this) sell vids via Onlyfans and take calls on Niteflirt.

But what I think about the whole sex-for-money world is more nuanced than possibly comes across.

Most importantly, I dom in real life and I don't charge for it. I enjoy control, I'm a sadist and I enjoy being worshipped. I get physical pleasure out of real life meets and the money side doesn't come into it. Yes, nowadays, I'm often looking for subs who are willing to be filmed, but that's a side issue.

The problem with online interactions is that all too often, the dom gets nothing from the scene. I can tell you to stick a dildo up your arse, but it doesn't actually do anything for me to see you sitting on something that you'd sit on anyway even if I didn't tell you to. There are a limited number of scenes that involve real pain that I can enjoy, but it's all too easy for a sub to play at hurting themselves, and I do real control, not acting.

So my first attraction to cash slavery was always the fact that it's a physical way of the sub benefiting the dom's life - and to some extent suffering. It should only be when the dominant does not need the money - otherwise the reason for doing it is through desperation, not control - and preferably it should also involve the sub giving up something instead. This doesn't have to be big, but foregoing a latte in the morning reminds the sub of who he is. I've often taken my first tribute in terms of number of hours of take home pay. This means that the sub is literally working for me on a Monday morning for x hours.

Sadly, the findom scene has become overriden with two overlapping but equally destructive elements: homophobes and people who are greedy or needy or both.

Of course, I've called people "faggot" and "dirty queer" in scene. I've told people that they only exist to lick my boots. But these are under controlled conditions and with consent on both parts. When I see "Masters" making 18 year olds come out to their parents by videoing themselves jumping up and down on a huge dildo,  or putting pictures of 20 year olds on the web with full name and address, it proves the lack of any control on the part of these so called dominants. They have no idea of the danger they could be putting these vulnerable people in. Any underlying mental health issues are potentially made worse. That's not domming. That's bullying and abuse. The people who get involved in these activities are homophobic at best and bordering psychotic in some cases. They are a scourge on the community and prey on the least able to defend themselves.

Worse, you find time and again that one of these homophobic straight guys starts to bring in their friends. The word gets out that queers like being bullied. That may be fine if you're a 40 something successful guy who likes to get off when a 20 year old muscle chav flicks his finger at you. You can go back to your job the next morning having had a good wank and an exciting moment where you had a bit of controlled homophobia that got your endorphins running.

But what you also did was tell that guy that it's ok to do that. So next time he and his friends see a gay couple in a street they're just that little bit more likely to act physically.


Bottom line: don't feed the true homophobes just because you get a kick out of it.

For the greedy or needy - that's up to you. I personally find it laughable when someone says they're a dom but they can't hold down a good job. Maybe your $10 tribute will help them pay their mobile phone bill and they'll manage to use it to apply for a new position and get out of a fix. Maybe you'll instill a need to use others to make ends meet (which is likely to fall apart once they lose their looks), but that's your choice. However, my personal view is it's not domming. It's another form of cam or phone work. "You say nasty things, I pay you" is the same as "You pull your dick out, I'll pay you."

Which leads me finally to the monetization of BDSM. Sex workers have existed for millenia, and I'm pretty sure you'd find back in the middle ages that there were workers dressing up in hang men's clothing and choking their clients for pay to give them a good orgasm. The ways of paying for what you want may have expanded, but they're not the only way.

If you want to talk to me, or see my pics, I may charge. As may many others. It doesn't mean that I'm a bad person; I've just made a decision to give my time a monetary value. I have also recognised that I'm motivated to make more content that people enjoy if I am getting something back from it.

However, there are thousands of people out there who produce free content and are more than willing to play without pay.

So be aware of what you want, go and find it. If you like paying, do so, if you don't, don't. But please, please, don't feed the homophobes.

@englishleatherm
@elmcoaching