Mastering emotions in lockdown

Remember last autumn, before anyone had ever heard of corona viruses? We got on with our daily lives, understanding the ebb and flow of the emotions that we feel. Annoyance when the train was late. Panic at the impending deadlines. Happiness to see our salaries being paid. Disappointment a week later when the salary seemed to have disappeared…  It was almost like we didn’t even notice the emotions they were so linked to the events of our every day lives. 

Even the times when strong emotions flared up were so linked to events that they’re part of the wallpaper of life. The anger you feel when someone cuts you up on the way to work. The happiness you feel when your team wins. The annoyance when someone’s grabs the last slice of cake in the staff canteen just before you get there.

Now everything has changed. Emotions are suddenly different from normal. You may be feeling bored or lonely because you’re stuck at home. Or scared of the lurking virus. Or frustrated that you can’t meet friends or have sex. Or fearful that your job may be at risk. Or angry at your Government’s response. Or proud of the many thousands of people who are working on the front line to combat this disease. You may even feel happiness that you get to spent more time with your loved ones or relief that you don’t have to commute into work every day. 

How do we deal with these new emotions?

I wrote about emotions in Mastering Life (you can download it for free here). I explained that emotions exist to tell us something. For example, if you feel scared, then it’s your brain’s way of telling you that there’s some potential danger. 

The key to dealing with emotions is to follow a three step process:

• Decode the information in the emotion
• Decide on the emotion we would prefer to be feeling
• Work out how to get from the current emotion to the one we’d like to feel

Here’s a couple of examples.

• I’m feeling boredom. This tells me that I am lacking something. I don’t have stimulation. I don’t have purpose.
• I would like to be feeling excitement.
• In order to go from boredom to excitement, I need to do something to make me feel more engaged. I need to cook a new meal. Or watch a scary movie. Or find someone to have an online video sex session with.

• I’m feeling scared of the virus. This tells me that I am in danger of contracting a potentially life threatening illness.
• I would like to feel peace.
• I need to recognise that I am fearful for a reason. This fear is keeping me safe by ensuring that I am self isolating. As long as I’m following guidelines, then I will not become ill. I need to thank my fear for keeping me safe. Then I’ll find peace.

This sounds easy on paper, but needs a few subtle skills to make this work. 

Firstly, you need to be able to recognise and name the emotions you are feeling. 

There are hundreds of emotion words in English. Sometimes it takes a while to realise what emotions we’re feeling. Robert Plutchik suggested that there were eight core emotions which could each be experienced in different intensities. For each basic emotion, he suggested that there was a physiological response that had been inbuilt in humans by evolution. Anger causes us to attack the thing causing the feeling. Disgust pushes us to reject. Sorrow closes us down. Joy opens us up. Fear causes us to protect. Anticipation pushes us forward whilst surprise causes us to stop. Trust allows us to accept. 

Emotions can be combined. Mixing anticipation and anger causes aggression. Surprise and fear causes awe.

The model can be represented on a diagram like this:

Before moving forward, consider your response to this model. Does it work for you? 

The first step in mastering your emotions is to name them. 

What are you feeling?

Then, consider:

What do you want to feel instead? 

This is important. It’s very easy to say “I’m bored”. But without knowing what you want to be, you can’t find a route. It’s a bit like saying “I don’t like this place I’m standing,” but not knowing where you want to go to. Decide on the destination, and there’s a reason to move forwards. 

Finally, link the two.

The reason I’m feeling [starting emotion] is so I become aware that I want to feel [ending emotion]. My options to make that change are…

"Options" is plural for a reason: it allows you to brainstorm. Think of as many different ways to achieve the end emotion as you can. Some may be impossible, some unlikely, but some will be worth taking. Once you’re put into a resourceful mode of thinking, you are more likely to be able to make the journey you wish to.

Examples:

The reason I’m feeling bored is so that I become aware that I want to feel happy. 

My options for that are: to skype my best friends; to rewatch my favourite box set from the start; to start learning to cook exciting foods… (etc)

The reason I’m feeling angry (with politicians) is so that I become aware that I want to feel trust. 

My options for this are: to join a political party; to become more political on social media; to write to my MP / government representative; to start a political blog…

The reason I’m feeling scared is so that I become aware that I want to feel peace. 

My options for this are: to find a cure for corona virus; to continue to practice self-isolation and good hygiene practices; to realise that I am unlikely to fall very ill and volunteer to help people around me who are more likely to be badly affected by the virus.

Taking control of our emotions can be hard to start, but it will pay dividends over time. 

Use this period where your emotions are possibly out of the normal balance to become more aware, and you’ll find yourself more able to deal with your emotions being knocked out of place in the future when the world gets back to normal.