The talk came out of my observation that it would look to an outside observer that coaches and Dominants are in charge in a session. However, in really good coaching and BDSM sessions, there's an element of co-creation, where both people involved are working together to find the best possible route through a session to the best possible outcome.
While preparing for the talk, I came across a model of coach maturity that I think helps as a way of thinking about BDSM scenes, especially from a Dominant's point of view. It may also help you to understand coaching a bit better. To read the full article the model comes from, see this article by Prof David Clutterbuck and Prof David Megginson. (Note, the 'critical questions' for coaching below are directly from this article.) I didn't have time to discuss the model during the talk, and decided in this blog post to look from the other way round - how coaching can help us become better at BDSM.
The model suggests four levels of 'coaching maturity': Models-based, Process-based, Philosophy-based, and Systemic eclectic. I'm going to unpick each one and show the comparison between BDSM and coaching.
Models-based
Critical questions:How do I take them where I think they need to go?
How do I adapt my technique or model to this circumstance?
My first experience of coaching was during a leadership training course that I attended while at a company I used to work for. We were given a basic model of coaching (GROW, for those who understand these things) and followed some steps. During my first coaching conversation, I 'coached' a colleague in how to deal with a particular problem. At the time, she told me that I did a great job. What I know now was I led her to the solution I had decided would be the best for her. This was more like a Socrative style of teaching than true coaching. I was asking questions that led to a pre-determined solution. This wasn't coaching as I know it now.Basic coaching, as taught in a million short courses around the world, gives the coach a set of tools that they can pull out of the bag. They'll re-label bits of the tool kit to show how this tool relates to a particular client's purpose and then use it in exactly the same way as they would with any other client.
For example, a client may say "I want to open a cafe". The coach will then pull out their "How to plan a project" tool and work thr
ough it with the client. Ultimately, in coaching, this means that the coach is in charge of the session and believes (whether rightly, arrogantly, or wrongly) that they know the best way to approach a problem with the client.
In BDSM, this would be similar to a Dominant going to a kink workshop and learning a few basic techniques for, say, bondage, whipping or spanking. Then, when approached by a submissive, the Dominant would plan a session that followed that basic set of techniques more or less to the letter without deviation. This sort of Dominant can be spotted a mile off by proclaiming "It's my way or the high way" or "If you're not into x, y, z, then you're not a proper submissive."
Everyone needs to start somewhere, but I'd strongly suggest that you avoid both coaches and Dominants who have a limited palette and believe they know the best under all circumstances.
Process-based
Critical questions for coaches:How do I give enough control to the client and still retain a purposeful conversation?
What's the best way to apply my process in this instance?
Critical questions for Dominants:
Do I know enough about what the submissive is looking for to have a great session with them?
What style of session am I going to use with this particular submissive?
Process-based coaches will hold back from making a decision about where they take their clients. They will encourage their clients to dig deeper into their desires before they start making plans. For example, the client who arrives saying "I want to get a new job" would be encouraged to consider a why they needed a new job and then the best way of getting what they truly wanted. Some clients, for example, may want to reduce stress, or improve their work-life balance. Others may need to improve working conditions or the enjoyment they feel from working. Others may feel that they have skills that are being underused, or feel that the values of the organisation they work for are incompatible with their own.
These coaches will often ask permission from a client before presenting a particular tool or model and will rarely offer advice. When tools and models are used, they're used in a more organic way, allowing the client to see the process rather than leading the client step by step.
Process-based Dominants, on the other hand, will have a wide variety of techniques they can use with submissives. They'll quiz the submissive before a session and may plan a session in advance, but will check in to see that the submissive is on the right journey. Frequent use of traffic lights will help the Dominant understand the submissive more and make the session even better for both. Now and then, a new technique or toy may be introduced, but the Dominant will watch the submissive closely to understand the submissive's response to the idea. Ideas that land well will be pursued; ones that cause the submissive to withdraw will be left aside.
Philosophy-based
Critical questions for coaches:What can I do to help the client do this for themselves?
How do I contextualise the client's issue within the perspective of my philosophy or discipline?
Critical questions for Dominants:
What do I need to know before I start a session about interests, limits and values?
What do I need to draw out of the submissive to make the best use of our time?
Where do I have to teach, push boundaries or rein in with this particular submissive?
A really good coach will help a client go on a learning journey through the session. When this works well, the client will be equipped with a deeper knowledge of both what they need right now, and a higher level of resourcefulness for future challenges.
For an example, in some sessions I have worked with clients to develop metaphors for parts of their life, for example the kind of person they want to be when showing up at business meetings. Then we have brainstormed where other metaphors could help them in their lives - anything from during hook ups to when they lead their teams at work.
A while back, I was at a leather event and allowing my boy to worship my boots while I talked to another attendee of the event. When I told my boy to stop, the other guy leaned down and told my boy "You must always start on the left foot. It shows your submission." Whist specific rules are fine and work well for many, what this person was ignoring was that I (or my boy) may have had our own reasons in the moment for acting in the way we wanted. I personally find hard and fast rules are constraining. I much prefer setting understanding of intention expected ("You do what you can to make me feel/look good," "You put me first when you can," "You are to maintain a healthy lifestyle").
A philosophy-based Dominant will have a particular view of the sub-Dom relationship and work within that, changing their exact approach to suit the submissive they're working with. For example, a Dominant may enjoy being pampered and expect worship from different submissives, but they will understand that for some submissives this takes the form of foot rubs and body massage, other submissives will enjoy cock worship, whilst others enjoy taking the Dom on shopping trips. Or Dominants may be into impact play but recognise that different submissives want different forms (hand, cane, whip). Alternatively, a Dominant may be into aggro play and enjoy stomping, humiliation, or breath control... Again, these Dominants will have a view of the sub/Dom relationship during play, but will vary their approach based on the particular needs, limits and likes of the submissive.
These Dominants will frequently introduce a different toy, instrument or action to see what happens with the submissive and see how it lands. If the submissive responds well, the Dominant will continue in this vein. If it doesn't, the Dominant will find another way to open up the session in ways that weren't planned before the meeting.
Dominants and submissives working at this level will be able to explain to each other their likes and dislikes in a broader way that doesn't sound like a shopping list. Often, this will be about how they want to feel rather than what they want to do.
Systemic eclectic
Critical questions for coaches:Are we both relaxed enough to allow the issue and the solution to emerge in whatever way they will?
Do I need to apply any techniques or processes at all? If I do, what does the client context tell me about how to select from the wide choice available to me?
Critical questions for Dominants:
How can we learn from each other in a session to take the session to the next level, within our different roles?
What cues and clues are we following from each other to move forward in our session and learning?
The best coaches and the best Dominants will see learning as a life long process. They are infinitely curious, looking to expand their understanding of their respective roles. Coaches will examine different philosophies of coaching, moving as needed from one to another as the client needs. For example, some clients may need to revisit a past experience in order to learn from it (using narrative coaching tools), and then use it to plan a future (solution focused coaching). Or maybe they need to focus on the stress a client is feeling at work using somatic coaching tools or to use mindfulness or hypnotherapy techniques.
The best Dominants will have a range of different ways of approaching a submissive. They will quickly switch mode from aggressive to parental, strict to playful, carefully watching to see which way of dominating works best for the pairing. They'll be alive to the emotional and physical abilities of the people in the scene and will follow paths to take each scene to a new level.The International Coach Federation is keen on the phrase "Dancing in the moment". Celebrities in the dancing shows on TV are able to follow a pre-determined set of steps to demonstrate their abilities at a particular dance. Couples at tango milonga will be able to create beautiful dances in the moment without ever having met each other and without a single word. Their bodies tell the story of what to do next. Similarly, the best coaches will be able to work with their clients in a dance of words that pushes the client to a greater understanding of themselves and their challenges and the best Dominants will work with a submissive in a dance of bodies that ends in deeper connection and hightened emotions. Now that's something to work for.
