Why coming out isn't all me, me, me

Today is Coming Out Day. Hurrah! Let's all wave our rainbow flags and dye our hair pink. Get on the phone to your granny and tell her that you're 'one of them' and proud. Then sashay away to the sound of Todrick Hall's latest hits.

There's a show in London's West End (Everybody's talking about Jamie) currently which is essentially this. Young boy puts on heels and tells the world what they already know. Cue drag queens, high kicks and lots of sequins. Fabulous.

The thing is, most gay men (or women) don't feel that this represents them. Nor, for that matter do the uber butch lesbians who seem to terrify people into acceptance. Or the muscled, 10 inch dicked gym bunnies who seem only come out at night and don't have any taxable sources of income.

Most of us are just your average guy, holding down a normal job, living our lives like everyone else. The fact that you're sleeping with someone who's got the same dangly bits between his legs doesn't really change much in your life. So why bother coming out? After all, in most western countries, being gay is accepted, and in many (sorry, America), LGBT people are protected by law. So there's no issue. What goes on in your bedroom stays in your bedroom. Why does anyone need to know?

Before I go on, I am completely aware, and feel very deeply for, those people who cannot come out. Whether because they live in an intolerant society, are involved in a religion that disagrees with gay people, or risk violence or abuse, some people simply cannot proclaim who they are. I am not talking to those people.

I'm talking to everyone else. And my message: coming out isn't about you.

There's theories in social psychology about something called unconcious bias. We all have this. It's built in.

Take an example: you see someone of a different race. You immediately, unconsciously make judgements about that person. This is often before your conscious brain has even caught up with the fact that they're there.  You think some races are stronger, or more powerful, or cleverer, or faster, or more social, or more family orientated, or ruder, or more sexist, or whatever.

Most self-aware people will notice that thought and they may chastise themselves for it. "Don't think that, you don't know..." But the fact is, for a split second, you had a bias against that person. Don't deny you do it- it's in built. It's a survival mechanism. When we see people different from us, we immediately feel wary and defensive. Then we don't get killed, or did when we lived in tribes scratching our way through the earth to live.

Similarly, when we know something about someone, even if we haven't met them, we feel a bias. That's why people with certain minority group names get treated differently when applying for jobs. "He's got a Chinese name. He'll be good at numbers." Or whatever. This isn't conjecture, it's fact, and backed up by many, many studies.

So what's this to do with coming out?

The thing is, studies have shown that there is only one way that seems to break down unconscious bias: exposure to countersterotypical examples.

Let me give you an example from my own life.

I travel for my job and work in many different countries. Some of the countries I work in have highly religious Muslim populations. Two of my colleagues work in Egypt. Until they met me, they had never met a gay man. All they knew was a) gay is bad, as that's what the Koran says and b) gays are like drag queens.

So I came out to them. Not by putting my high heels on and dancing on the top of a bus, but simply by slipping into conversation that I was married to a man. That's it. I then moved on.What they saw was a professional, competent, non camp man who just happened to be gay. One step down the road to helping them understand that gay is ok. One step down the road to them thinking twice about voting for a party that vilifies gay men. One step down the road to them standing up for the rights of people caught indulging in homosexual acts.

I've no doubt that I won't have changed their minds totally. And that's the point. Other studies have suggested that you need five exposures to change your view. So they're 20% of the way there. Four more people need to do the same. Hence coming out day.

So next time you see someone on TV mouthing off about gay men; the next time there's a protest about 'gay indoctrination' the next time you see someone supporting a politician who wants to rob gay men of their rights... ask yourself: if I'm a bit more open, who will think twice before supporting this?

Coming out is totally your choice. No one can, or should, force you to come out. Only do it when you feel safe, and if you're at all worried, make sure you have a plan in place for if it all goes wrong.

But maybe you can do it to support those who cannot, and help those around them change their minds. One conversation at at time, we can change the view of LGBT+ people around the world.